Is

The perfect distance from a person before you see all the ugliness?

Sigh

This is one of those night that I don't want to go to sleep, eventhough i'm sleepy, and that I'm desperately wanting to talk to someone, and willing to stay awake for a few more hours.

In summary, I'm lonely.

---
and i was surprised that a few days ago, i was actually so sleepy i wasn't in the mood of talking to anyone at all.

Upon reading Nana, yet, once again

I want to find my Yasu.

I guess I am very similar to Miu. I have always felt that way since I read Nana as a 15-year-old girl. And I still feel the same 5 years later.

Someone, who would understand her loneliness, and wouldn't try to invade it.
Someone, who would also be sharp and vigilant as she is, but at the same time, kind.
Someone, who doesn't offer her a passionate love, but never let her feel lonely anymore.
Someone, who started out with her as a very platonic relationship, that grew into sympathy and love.
Someone, who, when she fell into her loneliness situation, and sought her refugee, was there for the same reason.
Someone who keeps her company but didn't do in order to get into a relationship.
...
countless little things.

I'm thankful that ...

For a long time, I have been blaming my parents for the way they raised me. First, I was alone a lot as a kid. Second, I was prohibited from any kind of entertainment: only a scarcity of TV, never manga or drawing. There was no prohibition on books, but they didn't orient me toward reading either. Third, I was shielded from the world. I didn't get to go out much. I never know how to talk to people. I don't really know how to do anything except studying.

In the end, I grew up into an empty shell, lonely, disconnected, unprepared and ignorant of the world.

The only solution, that I was lucky to be endowed by my parents, was to escape.

By going abroad, I have eventually broken free from a lot of restrains, and finally learned about the world. Still, scars from the old times are intact. Once in a while, I would feel like I reverted back to my old self, the one that don't know how to talk to people (and don't want to), scared and insecure.

After two years of relentless effort in learning how to talk in an American culture, and how to communicate in general, I am proud of where I stand now: I am a research assistant, a lab assistant. I am very close to two professors. I contribute in class while possible, know how to reveal myself to others without exposing everything, and actually charmed a guy. And other countless little achievements.

In my third year, after a lot of meetings, encounters, and clashing with various people, I realized that even though I was brought up with a lot of impair, it is also an advantage.

I'm thankful that
I was born in a family in which my mother has three sisters. In this way, I have never condemned myself as a female.

my parents have the same last name. Therefore, I grew up without the notion of patrilineality - which, even though it wasn't dominant in Vietnam, was still a system that undermining the importance of female. When I was young, I never noticed that children only inherit the father's last name. 

my family, even extended family, was not particularly religious. Yes, we follow a few Buddhism customs, but it is also part of the culture tradition. I am free to choose my belief. I am never tied down by belief in God or by any dictated transcript.

my parents never taught me too much, which I am sure was done more by accident than intentionally. But by not knowing about the world at all, I gained a more objective/ less biased view of the world. In short, I am happy that I was pretty much still a blank sheet of paper when I started to be able to think critically. 

I spent a lot of time alone. This is something that I'm both grateful for and hate. However, I am internally a solitary person, I didn't feel as unhappy as I could have felt, had I been an outgoing person. When I started to interact with people, I could choose on my own style of interaction I want to adopt. Had I learn how to communicate younger, I would never be able to do something like that. 

I was born intelligent. Together with the strong belief that females are equal to males, my intelligence has gained me an equal footing with any guy I encountered, and sometimes even higher footing, in my perspective. Thus, I can feel proud of and confident in myself.

my parents never restrained me in the way I talked. Even though there were a lot of prohibitions in the house, I am free to speak, and that had definitely help with my frankness. 

for my honesty and my straightforwardness.

Though I still have more defects than greatness. At least, now I can look at the matter both ways. Knowing that these scars never go away, I will still strive to improve myself. Since that's my charm.