Upon reading Nana, yet, once again

I want to find my Yasu.

I guess I am very similar to Miu. I have always felt that way since I read Nana as a 15-year-old girl. And I still feel the same 5 years later.

Someone, who would understand her loneliness, and wouldn't try to invade it.
Someone, who would also be sharp and vigilant as she is, but at the same time, kind.
Someone, who doesn't offer her a passionate love, but never let her feel lonely anymore.
Someone, who started out with her as a very platonic relationship, that grew into sympathy and love.
Someone, who, when she fell into her loneliness situation, and sought her refugee, was there for the same reason.
Someone who keeps her company but didn't do in order to get into a relationship.
...
countless little things.

I'm thankful that ...

For a long time, I have been blaming my parents for the way they raised me. First, I was alone a lot as a kid. Second, I was prohibited from any kind of entertainment: only a scarcity of TV, never manga or drawing. There was no prohibition on books, but they didn't orient me toward reading either. Third, I was shielded from the world. I didn't get to go out much. I never know how to talk to people. I don't really know how to do anything except studying.

In the end, I grew up into an empty shell, lonely, disconnected, unprepared and ignorant of the world.

The only solution, that I was lucky to be endowed by my parents, was to escape.

By going abroad, I have eventually broken free from a lot of restrains, and finally learned about the world. Still, scars from the old times are intact. Once in a while, I would feel like I reverted back to my old self, the one that don't know how to talk to people (and don't want to), scared and insecure.

After two years of relentless effort in learning how to talk in an American culture, and how to communicate in general, I am proud of where I stand now: I am a research assistant, a lab assistant. I am very close to two professors. I contribute in class while possible, know how to reveal myself to others without exposing everything, and actually charmed a guy. And other countless little achievements.

In my third year, after a lot of meetings, encounters, and clashing with various people, I realized that even though I was brought up with a lot of impair, it is also an advantage.

I'm thankful that
I was born in a family in which my mother has three sisters. In this way, I have never condemned myself as a female.

my parents have the same last name. Therefore, I grew up without the notion of patrilineality - which, even though it wasn't dominant in Vietnam, was still a system that undermining the importance of female. When I was young, I never noticed that children only inherit the father's last name. 

my family, even extended family, was not particularly religious. Yes, we follow a few Buddhism customs, but it is also part of the culture tradition. I am free to choose my belief. I am never tied down by belief in God or by any dictated transcript.

my parents never taught me too much, which I am sure was done more by accident than intentionally. But by not knowing about the world at all, I gained a more objective/ less biased view of the world. In short, I am happy that I was pretty much still a blank sheet of paper when I started to be able to think critically. 

I spent a lot of time alone. This is something that I'm both grateful for and hate. However, I am internally a solitary person, I didn't feel as unhappy as I could have felt, had I been an outgoing person. When I started to interact with people, I could choose on my own style of interaction I want to adopt. Had I learn how to communicate younger, I would never be able to do something like that. 

I was born intelligent. Together with the strong belief that females are equal to males, my intelligence has gained me an equal footing with any guy I encountered, and sometimes even higher footing, in my perspective. Thus, I can feel proud of and confident in myself.

my parents never restrained me in the way I talked. Even though there were a lot of prohibitions in the house, I am free to speak, and that had definitely help with my frankness. 

for my honesty and my straightforwardness.

Though I still have more defects than greatness. At least, now I can look at the matter both ways. Knowing that these scars never go away, I will still strive to improve myself. Since that's my charm.

Astrology

Source: astrotheme.com

Your Ascendant: 1°32' Pisces

Your psychological nature is adaptive and receptive, the exact opposite of the sign of Virgo whose very essence is to thoroughly analyze each thing, thus creating a permanent duality between the self and the outside world: conversely, Pisces absorb and wipe out any form of differentiation; with Pisces, there can be no opposition, no conflict, no individual reaction. There is only fusion, non-separation, perpetual and mobile spreading of the self over some sort of blurred but huge feeling of sympathy with the environment. It is the supreme reign of feelings and emotions over the intellect and its separating reason.

With this Ascendant, you come across as emotional, sensitive, dedicated, adaptable, nice, wild, compassionate, romantic, imaginative, flexible, opportunist, intuitive, impossible to categorized, irrational, seductive, placid, secretive, introverted, pleasant, artistic, and charming. But you may also be indecisive, moody, confused, wavering, lazy, scatterbrained, vulnerable, unpredictable and gullible.

Sun Aspects
Sun conjunction Pluto orb +1°12'
Sun trine Mars orb -2°26'

Planets: Sun

The Sun represents vitality, individuality, will-power and creative energy and honours. For a woman, it also represents her father, and later her husband. The Sun is one of the most important symbols in the birth chart, as much as the Ascendant, then the Moon (a bit less for a man), the ruler of the Ascendant and the fast-moving planets.

It's element is fire; it is hot and dry, it governs Leo, is in exaltation in Aries and is in analogy with the heart. It represents the boss, authority, beside the father and the husband ; the age of the Sun goes from 20 years old to about 40, following the Venus age when one is aware of his seductive power.

Temperament : Bilious

Characterology : Emotive, Active, Secondary, passionate type.

Interpretation of the 24° Scorpio symbolic degree

"A man swims in rough seas."

Generous and courageous character determined to brave any danger in order to help one's fellow creatures out of a difficult situation. Although no gratitude is expressed by the persons rescued, one continues to lend a helping hand to people in need. So much selflessness arouses public esteem and respect. However, one must beware of jealousy, hypocrisy, and slanders.

Sun in Scorpio

You constantly strive to keep your self-control and to resist external pressures. Your phlegm actually conceals unusual intense emotions. A hidden force that gives you an inclination for struggles, for difficult or extremist causes, inhabits you. You may display a sarcastic and caustic mind, and in the worst cases, you may be destructive. But your resistance abilities prove valuable when the situation goes awry. Scorpio does not mind the sign’s “bad reputation”, moreover, he is proud of it, he claims it and he scoffs at it. Most certainly, he has nothing to do with ordinary mortals. You are very sensitive to power struggles. You try to use your adversary and to combine opposing elements. You resort to scheming and to manipulation. You use a person to hit another and you use the latter to charm a third party. Scorpio is a fine strategist, a born politician. Far from breaking him down, adversity stimulates Scorpio’s creativity. Better than anyone, you can handle crises that imply fighting spirit, subtlety in confrontations and challenge. Your forte? You express your powers to their fullest, you master the art of straightening out endangered situations and you dramatically reverse the interests at stake.

Sun in House IX

In your natal chart, the Sun is in your 9th House. Beyond the Sun, beyond models and marks, there are necessarily different truths and different references. The Sun in the 9th House prompts you to explore and to go beyond your values. It heralds spiritual quests or journeys, depending on the case. The stake is always the same and consists in pushing back the limits of your Sun, and in discovering other meanings and other differences. Your ideal? To accept in order to integrate, to grow, and to always move further.

Sun Dominant

If the Sun is part of your natal chart's planetary dominants, in astrology, you are said to be a Solarian: you loathe pettiness and Machiavellian manoeuvre, and you are fond of natural nobleness as well as of direct and honest attitudes. You endeavour to get out of muddled or dark situations as quickly as possible. Your need for transparency may lead you to make cut-and-dried judgments such as yes or no, and black or white. However, your honesty commands your entourage's consideration. At times, you come across as authoritarian. It is true that you never want to be thought of the notable absentee, and that you manage to make people pay attention to you, as well as to your plans and your assessments. To this end, the Solarian sometimes develops a great talent for placing himself under the spotlight without missing a single opportunity to arouse interest. Some other Solarians, although more discreet, still manage to be the focus of any debate, even in situations of exclusion. It is your way of being present even though you are actually not there... More than other people, you appreciate the esteem extended to you. It is useless to cheat with you, since in all areas you consider establishing enduring relationships only with those who love you, admire you, respect you, or express some degree of affection to you. Your will to straighten out your inter-personal relationships is your strength and sometimes, your Achilles' heel. You cannot achieve anything behind the scenes. Therefore, your comportment is marked with heroism, and your stands are devoid of ambiguity, in the sense that your commitments are unfailing, and your rebuffs, final.

Feminisation

Flower/ floral patterns,
soft fabric,
flowing dress,
peachy pink,
ribbons,
polka-dots,
chiffon or sheer material,
sequins, glitter,
etc.

I have started to love these things so much more than I usually do.

I used to love black a lot, love the geometric shape of a blazer, love the defined lines of a shirt, love the tough fabric of a khaki coat.

Now I start to love patterns, prints, and really bright and strong colors.

Partially, because I am free now. Free of what has been always a stress on me, free of my own restraining, free of sadness. It doesn't mean that I am no longer feeling stress, or bound by my thoughts, or sad. But the greatest part what has been restraining my soul (my mom) has been taken away from my life. I don't talk to her much, only once a week. Therefore, I don't get affected by the things that could drag me down.

I realize now that the rigid structure, dark color that is always my favorite was a result of me trying to protect, to strengthen myself again my own upbringing which tends to injure me severely.

Now that I am here, and especially, when I am finally connected soul to soul with a person who serves both as a parental guidance and as a friend/ companion for me, I could finally free my soul, and let it soar, be soft and emotional, be myself again.

Yet, I know that, this dark part is never gonna disappear from me. That is why my style is always going to have an edge to it.

Dreams

A few days ago, I watched Christian Dior Haute Couture Spring Summer 2012, and I was captivated. I have never seen costumes so beautifully design, with such an array of details that dictates the skill and made from such wonderful fabric.

Sheer, see-through material that was layered with a spectrum from white, grey to black. The fold and the curve are perfectly where they are supposed to be. Every piece of the collection charmed me, and they are very uniform in idea and concept.

Watching a walking enormous work of art like that is striking and sad at the same time. To think that I will never be able to reach to that level of skill, never be able to create something of such beauty is a very daunting thought. People like to say never give up your dream. But there are circumstances in which your mere will of not giving up the dream is not enough. Say, I want to create such a beautiful dress. It takes talent, experience, effort, skill and an enormous amount of money. No matter how much I tried to do every day, there is little that I can do that could allow me to realize my dream.

"Dreams need to be big, so that even if it is shattered, you still have big pieces left."

The thing about Tuesday

Morning.
I'm not a happy person today.

The Biochem quiz really annoyed me. Why?

Because it is so long for 20 minutes.
Because the material is very tricky, nothing came straight out of the notes in class.
Because the eraser was useless.
Because some part of the questions are not talked about in class, but at the same time
Because I know I would have been able to finish the quiz if I have read the book
Because I understand the material, but made stupid mistakes
Because just the way the quiz is, it drives me crazy.

Today I'm in the mood for

... feminine and soft style.