The worst thing about me

is that I'm conflicted.

I am always having different chains of thoughts.
"Get out there, be daring." - "I am quite and I like to blend with the background." - "I am satisfied being a normal, average student." - "You are so ordinary, you don't do anything outstanding." - " As long as I try my hardest, I have nothing to regret." - "Look, I want the number one. I want to be at the top." - "I don't like talking to people." - "I wish I have a big group of friends I do things with." - "I will only be in a relationship that is born from love." -"I'm so lonely, I want to be with somebody, anyone.", etc.

The dispute can never be settled, and I am torn apart.

What eats me from inside

I feel like everybody out there is doing important things, while I am here, doing what an ordinary student do.
Are the people are also students, but they seem to be doing much more profound things than I am:
- To be in SGA (Student Government Association)
- To be part of Campus Council
- Setting up events like TEDx
- To be the person who comes up with the idea and go to the president
- To be out there, actively protest for outsourcing campus dining service

I feel very very small, weak, noncompetitive, too ordinary. I like to hide, to be alone, to avoid responsibility. I am lack of energy and passion, ad never stand up for things that I believe. I do not try to make a different to this world, even though I see so much wrong in it. I never try too hard on anything, and very undeserving.

I feel like every hardship I have been through is so trivia and insignificant.

I just feel extremely despair and depressed.

-----

There are so many inspirational, powerful speaker. There are so many charming, charismatic personalities. I cannot become such a person, and it saddens me.

Nature

How do I express the beauty of the moon on the blue sky. This is a painter challenge.

Sexiness

What is the point of wearing revealing clothes?

I am not asking this question because I don't know the answer. But, honestly, as a female, I can't imagine myself in revealing clothes: such as low cut neckline, short skirts, or cropped tops. I might wear them from time to time. They don't give me confidence and total comfort, however. I would always have to pay attention to what I'm doing, how I'm turning my body, so as not to reveal too much. I prefer more boyish style.

What make revealing half of your breast, your waist, or your thighs a go-to thing when you want to dress up? I'm not talking about swim suit, bikinis or shorts/ skirts in the summer.
I'm talking about necklines that show cleavage, cropped tops that expose a lot of skin, etc. in the winter, at an academic setting. Maybe I'm being too conservative. But here's just my point: the beauty does not line in exposed skin.

I don't mind sexy clothing on other people. It would look nice if the design is elegant and smart. But if it is my choice, I wouldn't choose revealing clothes to attract certain people.

I believe in the sexiness and the beauty of wearing non-revealing clothes. I am naive. But I like my style non-revealing. It can still be sexy: tight shirt, or jeans/ pants that fit your figure well. The attractiveness lines in the style, and/or the way you wear them, not in how much the clothes reveal.

One day

(as I'm six days away from home)

One day, I will withdraw all that money from the bank.
One day, my account won't exist.
One day, I will not have a legitimate reason to apply for visa.
One day, all I can do as I think of the US is to look up to the sky of Vietnam.
One day, all of it - the red autumns, the white snow, the exhilaration of Christmas, the vast sky, the sound of English, etc. - will just be memory.
One day, no trace of me will be left in the US - my dorm room, my apartment, my carrel, or my (future) office/ cubicle will belong to someone else.
One day, in the heart of those people who met me, knew me, or just walked pass me, I will be a blurry, fuzzy, dusty image.

One day ... when I will really leave the US, no turning back.

To think of that day, no matter how faraway it is, I have a gloomy feeling. Soon, my existence at this place will vanish. The existence of anyone is so transient. Even short time and short distance erase it, let alone half a globe away and the time as long as the rest of my life.

Then, I think, I have to make my existence more memorable. Even if it is just the memory of me, I want to make it strong. Get out there, inspire, joke with, care for, anger, help, hurt, annoy, bother, move and bring happiness to people. Make my impact strong. Make it unforgettable. Because memory is the most lasting thing.

I wonder why have I been living my life not wanting to make an impact on the world, because honestly, even if I don't want to make an impact on the world, my mere existence does.

PS: that one day might or might not happen.

One less thing to stress about

I read this facebook status from my friend, who basically said she felt fat, ugly, unwanted, lonely, stressed about homework and homesick.

I am also lonely, unwanted, has a lot of homework, and homesick.
But I at least I can be relieved.
I'm not fat.
I'm not ugly. I'm not a beautiful person, but I don't look too bad.
Even though I'm alone and lonely, I am still confident about myself.
I'm smart, capable, independent, have artistic skills, and understand myself.

Just thinking about that put me in a different light. That I should be thankful for a lot of things that I have.

Is

The perfect distance from a person before you see all the ugliness?