Jealousy

Posted March 17th, 2011 - 20:53

(This is the thing I cannot let the rat eat. I don't know if he had yet seen it, but better take it away)

Talking about jealousy, N, I am jealous that you fall in love again.

I am jealous of that girl? Ah, nah~

I am jealous of your ability to fall in love.

I am so sick of this heart already. This icy core of it, this unbeating pace of it, this deep sleep phase of it. I want to feel love again. I want to feel the heat, the bitter and sweetness, the missing and fulfilling.

i can survive without someone loving me.

but i can't live without loving someone.

i, this heart, always yearning outward, yet withdraw itself back into the icy core. Always, always, always. I don't know why, maybe I have not met the right person. But, I am incapable of the most basic love: friendship. The person I truly love is my sister, the only one I wholeheartedly love. Even my parents are so distantly place from my heart. Yet, they are the second most-loved beings in this life of me. Other than that.....?

I finally said that out loud. That my heart is malfunction. that it lacks something important. I am always so afraid of that, but things happening keep proving it to be the truth.

I want no one to know, but I still want to say it out.

I want no one to see this, yet I want someone to touch me.