The dilemma

I really want to go back, to where I have all my privacy and freedom, and friends. And yet, I wouldn't actually have friends there, because they are all gone for winter break. Moreover, I would not have anything to do and just be alone and sad.
I know staying here is good, having good food, companion, staying in a cute house, being able to go shopping. Yet, I don't have total freedom, I don't have all the time I need. I don't really belong here. The most thing I can do is to wish for time to go by fast.

I would love to go home, if it's not so faraway.

Seattle 01

Although, I'm quite sleepy, I will put down a little bit of my thought here.

My life is so unfair to me. I found a person, (not really "found") who would do so well on checking off my list. Yet, it's would be messed up. One half - one half - one half - one half. One sixteenth of our blood is similar. Or maybe not at all.

Handsome,
Good figure, medium height,
Intelligent
Photographer,
Easy going, gentle and clever,
at least about that much. And our ages are -

God sent me a physical form of my checklist, without allowing me to put down any check. It's forbidden.
sigh
going on a journey
to look for you
keep your hope up

If miracle happened once, it would happen again.

TTL

Time to write blog.
Because it's exam week.

A collectivism of my scattered thought. It started with my stomachache, I don't know whether it was because of unclean food or because of gas bulking. But there was a storm in my -stormach-. It whirled so badly, the wind. It wrecked so painfully, the ship. It broke so determinedly, the wave. Right in the middle of my thought challenging exam.

And feel like I need to let it out. To break open a whole and let all the poison come out.
If I got stabbed...
If I got stabbed at the stomach
If I got stabbed at the soul
If I got stabbed at the heart

what will come out?

At that point all I thought of was the black smoke of the bad food that ruined my digestive system.

---------

More thought on other thing,
Nguyen,
he doesn't like to be at home.
he is not taking SAT.
his soul of freedom is really wild.

That doesn't affect my life. But that means. We will not be able to be together at the place where we met, where I found my feeling, where I treasured, where I put part of my heart.

Playlist (1)

- Just A Kiss -
The feeling is something that is hard to put into word. This song definitely reminds me of StH. Why?
For three weeks, I thought I really like him. For a long time, All I wanted was to see him. For several times, it clouded my day when he just ignored me in the dining hall.

I thought he might have been "the one that I have been waiting for my whole life". Eventually, I know he is not. Still, the gentle, warm, light and pleasant tune of the song keeps my heart tied to it. Even though it has nothing to do with my situation at any point of my life yet, I still love it so much.

Another puzzle, Nara was really crazy about "Need you now" by the same group. And two songs have such a similar melody that it reminds me of  him and of his love right now. I don't like him anymore, but Nara remains to be the only one who truly ruled my heart, who gave me intense emotion for such a long time. Thus, I am happy he can love again, while I can not. Nonetheless, the love seems to be fruitless.

- Haruka Kanata -

Bleach 28th ending song.

The best anime sound track I have ever known (not that I know many)

The intro makes my blood rush.

The beat is very fast.

Yet, it sounds tragic, and sad.

Close, but distance.

Just like Ichigo and Rukia.

And it especially fits the Good bye scene.

The song, is like a long, solitude run, of a gloomy soul that will follow his fight for freedom forever. It also ix a journey to look for a place where he belongs. It sounds like a cry to the sky. But it also sounds like a promise to the earth. 

And the melody is just so nostalgic and novel at the same time. 

Dragging

What should I do if I want to see you?

This is sad. I only see you on M, W, Th, F. I can never see you on T.
But, even on M, W, F, I can just see you. Just, see....ee....ee.

You never talked to me, unless - at lab - on Th - and not even that often.
Why are you like that?

I mean...... there is no reason to talk to me.
But, I hate just seeing you.

When the love falls

I am - desperately looking for some one to love - now.

"Somebody to love.
Can you hear me?
I want somebody to love.
Somebody to love!
Somebody to love.
Just to stop all of this searching now."

It's been boring and dry all these times. No drop of rain ever visited my land. It's been way too long a period of time. 2 years, 3 years? It all started when I gave up my love for Nara. And it has been so dry and cold here. This deserted land. 

I kept looking, I never found the right person. 

I even forgot: how it is to fall in love.

But I remember, a little bit now, thanks to him. This feeling of burning inside, when Physics class took so long and I wanted to see him at Chemistry class. This feeling of being pulled to look around to find him. This feeling when I close my eyes and all I see is his face, very clear.

He never looks my way though. He doesn't attempt to talk to me. He doesn't care less what I am doing, who I am with. Hmm.

I can not make it happen. I have to wait for it to come to me. I can not go find it. I have to let chances work their way. And I know it's not gonna happen. Because I can't feel anything more beyond the affection for his look and his smile. 

I fail again, in finding someone to love. 

So long.

It's been so long.

Sophomore Retreat

Just to continue on the previous post, with more real life details.

Sophomore retreat is like a field trip that I used to have in high school, or middle school. Although the "class" is quite bigger, it is still a good chance to get "together". Field trips, always, promote physical contact and/ or romance.

It would not be much of my romance. I did not expect any for me, but for my roommate. However, it seems like, the time has come for me to have some romantic feeling again. I wouldn't say that it would come any where far, but, a bit of sweetness - is not bad.

It all started with the Contra-dance. Hmmm, hahahahaha. Like, Pride and Prejudice or Becoming Jane 's dances. Pretty interesting. 'Cause you get to partner with multiple guys. It's weird, and it's fun.

At night, when it was so cold, while I was shivering.
In the dining hall, where the speakers had been set up,
I knew, we would have some weird activities.

It all started with, "[taking] off your outer wear, cause you won't need them later on."
I went to put my coat away, walked back to the spot where I had been standing. We were forming a circle. My friends weren't there for some reason, there is a spot next to me for some reason.
He walked in and the spot was right there. It's just because we had Calculus class, Chemistry class and lab together; just because we were in the same group once for lab, that he chose the spot next to me. No big deal.

The (obvious) next step was holding hand with the person next to you. (Of course!) It might be that physical contact quickened the progress, for me. We danced (-ish). Then we parted, for a long time. Before we were back again in a one-guy-two-girl group. Then we parted. (forever)

I mean, we hold hand several times, what-so-ever. I don't really think it would be a problem. But, it became a problem because he was good-looking. And his smile is very appealing.

Camp-fire !!!! Warm and cozy. I was wishing to have another romantic moment with him, but, no.
Why do I wish for a romantic moment? Well, that's all I need. I wouldn't wish him to like me, for I had not liked him yet.
Thinking back again. Did he choose me because I was wearing a blue sweater (and it is the nicest one in my closet)? Well, I don't know.

There is one thing I know. That is, we are very very different. It looks like we are on the two extremes of the scale as introvert-extrovert. Simply putting, he is an SGA officer. Hmm. Notwithstanding those things like, manga-anime, art, silence, that I so preferred and he seems not. Nah. I say I'm ready for an one-sided feeling.

If I can

love again.
love?

maybe not.
I mean, just

the feeling, when one's face keeps appearing in your head,
when you are sensitive to that person's appearance,
somewhere.near you.

Just that, for now. 'Cause it just started.
And I'm not sure, if I will continue.
But,

I'm ready, for another unrequited-love.

Of the weather

Windy.
Cold.

-----
Cold, yellow, dark.

-----
Some Rain.

They are somehow all very nostalgic to me,
it makes me feel emotional,

and I just want to hide.

Reading manga (Bleach eg.)
Listening to music (Winter Sleep)
and Wrap tight in my warm blanket.

How much I love cold gloomy day, you don't know.

Món Tết

Màu Tết: màu nâu sáng của măng
Mùi Tết: mùi nước gà thơm ngọt lịm, cùng vói mùi hoa lơ (broccoli), giò, tôm khô, thơm hệt như thế
Thanh Tết: happy new year, happy new year, nghe trộm nhà hàng xóm.

Vị Tết: chua mặn ngọt đủ cả. Chua mặn ô mai, ngọt nước canh, ngọt thị gà, mặn vị nấm hương ngấm quá nhiều gia vị trong món xào.

(ăn Rằm tháng 7 thay ba ngày Tết)

Automatic

automatic is the newly released MV of Tokio Hotel and is my current favourite song.

***
Dạo này nhật kí của mình rất dài. Mỗi ngày viết mà phải đến khoảng 4 trang. Bởi có đến hai nhân vật cần kể đến, vả lại, từ ngày tham quan đến h, xảy ra khá nhiều sự kiện.

bề bộn đầy suy nghĩ.
***

My close girl friend is attacking fiercely the boy who sits next to me. What is troublesome is that I'm having my eyes on him. No, I have not feel any special emotion, that's why her actions didn't really hurt me. But, i'm just thinking that ... it will take a long time for me to get to know him more, or to characterize him as special, so by that time, he may have been taken. hah. Nevertheless, I find it hopeless to accelerate the process. I have already tried. The outing trip, and all the time he sits next to me, even the bday present he gave me can not make me feel easier to talk closely to him.

Yet, she, my friend, is so good at talking as her characters are absolutely opposite to mine. And how she has been doing? hum ;)) On friday 20-11, she went out with him the whole morning and noon. They went to Guom Lake, Dong Xuan market, and HCM mausoleum because the boy is not Hanoi's residence. The time was long. Things that happened surely have an impact on him.
At that time, what was I doing?(living so near to DX market and Hcm Mausoleum ...) I was hanging out with Kers. Oh, some feelings that can't be explained.
[I did not regret, though I did not meet who I really wanted. I know the time has come when I can meet him again and smile.]

It wasn't the stop then. Yesterday, receiving bad mark on so easy an exam made he, who possesses an angel face, got angry so vigorously. I was a little shock, and too bad I didn't know how to sooth him. Stupid me. This morning I heard my friend telling of 2012 movie. She went to the movies with him last afternoon. Sigh, (how many time did I sighed?). I can do nothing for him. And she, she is advancing too fast. [Sadly, she favored him as a pet, not a boy.]

In grade 11(the time when I paid no attention to him), she has been trying on him. And he disliked her. How about now? I could not judge. What is strange about him is that I have not been able to have a vague sketch of his personality, and that makes him so abstruse to me. I could not know his feeling.

He is not handsome, and comparing him to an angel is a little excessive. But he looks really special. His face is round, and some how innocent. I can not describe clearly, but I like to watch him in his black coat and white shirt.



What makes me concern is the way he treated me. On the outing trip day, he suggested me to sit with him on the boat. I couldn't help letting my imaginary fly. And his birthday present to me, a picture drawn by himself. I know it took a lot of time. And every time I called him, he replied with a sweet voice and bright smile. How should I translate this?

****

Since Monday 23-11, I have gained a step closer in my relationship with him. I talked more, and felt easier to talk. Still, he hasn't strike any particular wave on my heart. So strange.


Date Created: Nov 26th, 2009 - 00:54

Independence

So, the thing is like this: Nothing lasts forever.

I cannot try to behave if i don't have anything inside, I don't want to lie. The feeling I had for him, which ever kind it was, is not here anymore. Here, it's empty. But I don't want to hurt him, neither do I want to misread myself. But it proves by itself that I cannot pretend that things remain the same. (and even if it was the same, the much of feeling ... was not enough)

Chicago, the luminous city. (well, any city is luminous)

When I went there, and then met my new friends, and a guy, the old connections were totally wiped out of my memory briefly.

Chicago O'hare International Airport.

And the high ways. The H-mart (korean supermarket)

Then the house. Big, bright, large and modern. The kitchen had many type of spices, more than necessary for Vietnamese food. Well that was because the housewife cooked more than just Vietnamese food.

And then, the first afternoon, watching ice-skating.

The next day, shopping in Forever 21 (and Disney store),

At night, Christmas. What was for xmas? Duck, grilled potatoes... Family film-watching(80 days around the world). Then midnight, Sequence. I played the board game for the first time.

It was such a warm family night. It was sweet to receive Christmas gifts by the noel tree for the first time.

Then the next day, staying at home because every store closed.

And the day after that, probably, the Art Museum in Chicago.

.

.

.

.

So, everything, the view, the sound, the wind, they embraced me; and took me off the ground, glided me away. It was like brand new world. And I forgot comtemporarily even my parents.

And of course, for such a long period of time, he never reappeared in my head. He (my ex-"boyfriend") was lost somewhere in my mind. And actually, even in my normal flowing days in Wooster, I didn't miss him that much.

So he just disappeared like that. Then, when I realized it, (oh shoot! I forgot him) I was done making decision.

However, i'm quoting him now: "there's no need a curse

There're two enemy

are much more dangerous than that

Time and space.

My dry heart. I wrung it, but no more feeling poured out. Not even a single drop. And I knew he could feel it,

ah, such an end.

the end, not made by me.

After four months of trying. After a year and a half of a month. It ends. Something ends.

As nothing lasts forever. Especially something that you don't expect to last.

(Date created: Jan 4th, 2011 - 21:53)

Day dreamer

IT IS SO STRANGE THAT A PERSON SO COLD LIKE ME COULD BE PRONING TO LOVE SO MUCH, SO EASILY, SO QUICKLY

PEOPLE CRAVE WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE.

BÂY GIỜ THÌ ĐÃ CÓ THỂ HIỂU ĐC TẠI SAO BẢN THÂN LẠI CỨ ĐI TÌM TÌNH YÊU. BỞI VÌ TRÁI TIM TRỐNG TRẢI.

NHƯNG KẾT LUẬN LẠI LÀ: MÌNH CẦN MỘT NG ANH TRAI. CHƯA THỂ NHẬN RA KHI CHƯA THỬ. QUẢ THẬT LÀ CHƯA BAO GIỜ CÓ ANH TRAI. VÀ, CÁI KIỂU NHƯ VỪA CẢM THẤY GIỐNG NHƯ ANH TRAI VỪA CẢM THẤY KO PHẢI ANH TRAI NÓ KHÁ DỄ CHỊU. NÓ BAO HÀM ĐẦY ĐỦ N~ GÌ MÌNH CẦN THIẾT. MỘT AI ĐÓ, (KHÁC GIỚI) QUAN TÂM ĐẾN MÌNH, MỘT AI ĐÓ GẦN GŨI DỄ TIẾP XÚC, CÓ THỂ THẢ HỒN YÊU QUÍ MÀ KO SỢ RẰNG K ĐC PHÉP YÊU VÌ ĐÓ LÀ ANH TRAI HAY KO ĐC PHÉP YÊU VÌ KO ĐC CÓ BẠN TRAI.

HA, THẬT KHÓ KIẾM TÌM. VÀ KHOẢNG THỜI GIAN CŨNG NGẮN NGỦI. NHƯNG CHỈ NGẮN NGỦI THÔI MỚI ĐÁNG QUÍ. VÀ CÓ THỂ, VÌ MÌNH CHỈ HỢP VỚI N~ CÁI GÌ THOẢNG QUA THÔI.

IN THIS FLYING FLEETING WORLD, WHAT REMAINS? WHAT TIES ME... TO THE LIFE?

TRÁI TIM KO BIẾT RUNG ĐỘNG. KO CÓ GÌ CÓ THỂ LÀM TRÀO DÂNG N~ ĐỢT SÓNG TÌNH CẢM NỮA.

MỘT BỨC TRANH ĐẸP CÓ THỂ LÀM THÓT TIM, HẠNH PHÚC MỘT VÀI NGÀY, MỘT VÀI THÁNG.

MỘT BÀI HÁT HAY CÓ THỂ LÀM SAY LÒNG, MỘT THỜI GIAN...

NHỮNG CÁI MỚI MẺ CÓ THỂ GÂY HỨNG THÚ , CHO TỚI KHI CHÚNG TRỞ THÀNH CŨ. RỒI,

KIẾN THỨC, VÀ SÁCH. TỐI MUỐN ĐỌC, MUỐN BIẾT THẬT NHIỀU.

NHƯNG TẤT CẢ, TẤT CẢ, KO PHẢI LÀ SỢI DÂY TRÓI TÔI LẠI ĐC. CHỈ CÓ CON NG

Ở MỘT ĐÂU ĐÓ

TÔI ĐANG ĐI TÌM MỘT TÌNH YÊU CHO MÌNH.

MY HEART 'S YEARNING. FOR LOVE.

DETACHED

(date created: Jan 4th, 2011 - 22:35)

Mem mai, am ap

Lai them co ng yeu roi.

Ko han la the, ma la, cam thay met qua, buon ngu qua


Cam thay them mot cai j do am ap cham vao minh, cam thay them mot cai j do mem mai de minh tua vao, cam thay muon cam nhan mot cai j do manh me va vung chac. 

Nhug chi the thoi, nhug j minh dang can, chi la mot cai goi om, mot cai lo suoi, mot cai ghe sofa. Minh thuc su ko can ng yeu. HAAAA 

Met, muon dua vai, tua lung vao ai do.


(Date: Feb 22nd, 2011 - 18:36)

Jealousy

Posted March 17th, 2011 - 20:53

(This is the thing I cannot let the rat eat. I don't know if he had yet seen it, but better take it away)

Talking about jealousy, N, I am jealous that you fall in love again.

I am jealous of that girl? Ah, nah~

I am jealous of your ability to fall in love.

I am so sick of this heart already. This icy core of it, this unbeating pace of it, this deep sleep phase of it. I want to feel love again. I want to feel the heat, the bitter and sweetness, the missing and fulfilling.

i can survive without someone loving me.

but i can't live without loving someone.

i, this heart, always yearning outward, yet withdraw itself back into the icy core. Always, always, always. I don't know why, maybe I have not met the right person. But, I am incapable of the most basic love: friendship. The person I truly love is my sister, the only one I wholeheartedly love. Even my parents are so distantly place from my heart. Yet, they are the second most-loved beings in this life of me. Other than that.....?

I finally said that out loud. That my heart is malfunction. that it lacks something important. I am always so afraid of that, but things happening keep proving it to be the truth.

I want no one to know, but I still want to say it out.

I want no one to see this, yet I want someone to touch me.

Replay

Well, this is the reason for creating this new blog. To forbid intruder. It's a little bit of a crack. Maybe, the one to blame is conscience. I mean: Sometimes I posted my stuffs from deviantArt on facebook. The deviantArt page has the blogspot's link to my page.Yes, it's just leakage, unfortunately.

If one got my dA page, one could connect with every other part of me(blogspot where I hid most my thought). I might have been careless. I laid the path for rabbit, but rat got in. I should have accepted that rabbit won't trace the path. I accept it now. And I will close the path. Yet, I will not let the rat know that I have seen it. Although abandoning Daydreamer is a pity, I will take it. Welcome to your new home. "Replay"