(as I'm six days away from home)
One day, I will withdraw all that money from the bank.
One day, my account won't exist.
One day, I will not have a legitimate reason to apply for visa.
One day, all I can do as I think of the US is to look up to the sky of Vietnam.
One day, all of it - the red autumns, the white snow, the exhilaration of Christmas, the vast sky, the sound of English, etc. - will just be memory.
One day, no trace of me will be left in the US - my dorm room, my apartment, my carrel, or my (future) office/ cubicle will belong to someone else.
One day, in the heart of those people who met me, knew me, or just walked pass me, I will be a blurry, fuzzy, dusty image.
One day ... when I will really leave the US, no turning back.
To think of that day, no matter how faraway it is, I have a gloomy feeling. Soon, my existence at this place will vanish. The existence of anyone is so transient. Even short time and short distance erase it, let alone half a globe away and the time as long as the rest of my life.
Then, I think, I have to make my existence more memorable. Even if it is just the memory of me, I want to make it strong. Get out there, inspire, joke with, care for, anger, help, hurt, annoy, bother, move and bring happiness to people. Make my impact strong. Make it unforgettable. Because memory is the most lasting thing.
I wonder why have I been living my life not wanting to make an impact on the world, because honestly, even if I don't want to make an impact on the world, my mere existence does.
PS: that one day might or might not happen.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
One less thing to stress about
I read this facebook status from my friend, who basically said she felt fat, ugly, unwanted, lonely, stressed about homework and homesick.
I am also lonely, unwanted, has a lot of homework, and homesick.
But I at least I can be relieved.
I'm not fat.
I'm not ugly. I'm not a beautiful person, but I don't look too bad.
Even though I'm alone and lonely, I am still confident about myself.
I'm smart, capable, independent, have artistic skills, and understand myself.
Just thinking about that put me in a different light. That I should be thankful for a lot of things that I have.
I am also lonely, unwanted, has a lot of homework, and homesick.
But I at least I can be relieved.
I'm not fat.
I'm not ugly. I'm not a beautiful person, but I don't look too bad.
Even though I'm alone and lonely, I am still confident about myself.
I'm smart, capable, independent, have artistic skills, and understand myself.
Just thinking about that put me in a different light. That I should be thankful for a lot of things that I have.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Sigh
This is one of those night that I don't want to go to sleep, eventhough i'm sleepy, and that I'm desperately wanting to talk to someone, and willing to stay awake for a few more hours.
In summary, I'm lonely.
---
and i was surprised that a few days ago, i was actually so sleepy i wasn't in the mood of talking to anyone at all.
In summary, I'm lonely.
---
and i was surprised that a few days ago, i was actually so sleepy i wasn't in the mood of talking to anyone at all.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Upon reading Nana, yet, once again
I want to find my Yasu.
I guess I am very similar to Miu. I have always felt that way since I read Nana as a 15-year-old girl. And I still feel the same 5 years later.
Someone, who would understand her loneliness, and wouldn't try to invade it.
Someone, who would also be sharp and vigilant as she is, but at the same time, kind.
Someone, who doesn't offer her a passionate love, but never let her feel lonely anymore.
Someone, who started out with her as a very platonic relationship, that grew into sympathy and love.
Someone, who, when she fell into her loneliness situation, and sought her refugee, was there for the same reason.
Someone who keeps her company but didn't do in order to get into a relationship.
...
countless little things.
I guess I am very similar to Miu. I have always felt that way since I read Nana as a 15-year-old girl. And I still feel the same 5 years later.
Someone, who would understand her loneliness, and wouldn't try to invade it.
Someone, who would also be sharp and vigilant as she is, but at the same time, kind.
Someone, who doesn't offer her a passionate love, but never let her feel lonely anymore.
Someone, who started out with her as a very platonic relationship, that grew into sympathy and love.
Someone, who, when she fell into her loneliness situation, and sought her refugee, was there for the same reason.
Someone who keeps her company but didn't do in order to get into a relationship.
...
countless little things.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I'm thankful that ...
For a long time, I have been blaming my parents for the way they raised me. First, I was alone a lot as a kid. Second, I was prohibited from any kind of entertainment: only a scarcity of TV, never manga or drawing. There was no prohibition on books, but they didn't orient me toward reading either. Third, I was shielded from the world. I didn't get to go out much. I never know how to talk to people. I don't really know how to do anything except studying.
In the end, I grew up into an empty shell, lonely, disconnected, unprepared and ignorant of the world.
The only solution, that I was lucky to be endowed by my parents, was to escape.
By going abroad, I have eventually broken free from a lot of restrains, and finally learned about the world. Still, scars from the old times are intact. Once in a while, I would feel like I reverted back to my old self, the one that don't know how to talk to people (and don't want to), scared and insecure.
After two years of relentless effort in learning how to talk in an American culture, and how to communicate in general, I am proud of where I stand now: I am a research assistant, a lab assistant. I am very close to two professors. I contribute in class while possible, know how to reveal myself to others without exposing everything, and actually charmed a guy. And other countless little achievements.
In my third year, after a lot of meetings, encounters, and clashing with various people, I realized that even though I was brought up with a lot of impair, it is also an advantage.
I'm thankful that
I was born in a family in which my mother has three sisters. In this way, I have never condemned myself as a female.
my parents have the same last name. Therefore, I grew up without the notion of patrilineality - which, even though it wasn't dominant in Vietnam, was still a system that undermining the importance of female. When I was young, I never noticed that children only inherit the father's last name.
my family, even extended family, was not particularly religious. Yes, we follow a few Buddhism customs, but it is also part of the culture tradition. I am free to choose my belief. I am never tied down by belief in God or by any dictated transcript.
my parents never taught me too much, which I am sure was done more by accident than intentionally. But by not knowing about the world at all, I gained a more objective/ less biased view of the world. In short, I am happy that I was pretty much still a blank sheet of paper when I started to be able to think critically.
I spent a lot of time alone. This is something that I'm both grateful for and hate. However, I am internally a solitary person, I didn't feel as unhappy as I could have felt, had I been an outgoing person. When I started to interact with people, I could choose on my own style of interaction I want to adopt. Had I learn how to communicate younger, I would never be able to do something like that.
I was born intelligent. Together with the strong belief that females are equal to males, my intelligence has gained me an equal footing with any guy I encountered, and sometimes even higher footing, in my perspective. Thus, I can feel proud of and confident in myself.
my parents never restrained me in the way I talked. Even though there were a lot of prohibitions in the house, I am free to speak, and that had definitely help with my frankness.
for my honesty and my straightforwardness.
Though I still have more defects than greatness. At least, now I can look at the matter both ways. Knowing that these scars never go away, I will still strive to improve myself. Since that's my charm.
In the end, I grew up into an empty shell, lonely, disconnected, unprepared and ignorant of the world.
The only solution, that I was lucky to be endowed by my parents, was to escape.
By going abroad, I have eventually broken free from a lot of restrains, and finally learned about the world. Still, scars from the old times are intact. Once in a while, I would feel like I reverted back to my old self, the one that don't know how to talk to people (and don't want to), scared and insecure.
After two years of relentless effort in learning how to talk in an American culture, and how to communicate in general, I am proud of where I stand now: I am a research assistant, a lab assistant. I am very close to two professors. I contribute in class while possible, know how to reveal myself to others without exposing everything, and actually charmed a guy. And other countless little achievements.
In my third year, after a lot of meetings, encounters, and clashing with various people, I realized that even though I was brought up with a lot of impair, it is also an advantage.
I'm thankful that
I was born in a family in which my mother has three sisters. In this way, I have never condemned myself as a female.
my parents have the same last name. Therefore, I grew up without the notion of patrilineality - which, even though it wasn't dominant in Vietnam, was still a system that undermining the importance of female. When I was young, I never noticed that children only inherit the father's last name.
my family, even extended family, was not particularly religious. Yes, we follow a few Buddhism customs, but it is also part of the culture tradition. I am free to choose my belief. I am never tied down by belief in God or by any dictated transcript.
my parents never taught me too much, which I am sure was done more by accident than intentionally. But by not knowing about the world at all, I gained a more objective/ less biased view of the world. In short, I am happy that I was pretty much still a blank sheet of paper when I started to be able to think critically.
I spent a lot of time alone. This is something that I'm both grateful for and hate. However, I am internally a solitary person, I didn't feel as unhappy as I could have felt, had I been an outgoing person. When I started to interact with people, I could choose on my own style of interaction I want to adopt. Had I learn how to communicate younger, I would never be able to do something like that.
I was born intelligent. Together with the strong belief that females are equal to males, my intelligence has gained me an equal footing with any guy I encountered, and sometimes even higher footing, in my perspective. Thus, I can feel proud of and confident in myself.
my parents never restrained me in the way I talked. Even though there were a lot of prohibitions in the house, I am free to speak, and that had definitely help with my frankness.
for my honesty and my straightforwardness.
Though I still have more defects than greatness. At least, now I can look at the matter both ways. Knowing that these scars never go away, I will still strive to improve myself. Since that's my charm.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Astrology
Source: astrotheme.com
Your Ascendant: 1°32' Pisces
Your psychological nature is adaptive and receptive, the exact opposite of the sign of Virgo whose very essence is to thoroughly analyze each thing, thus creating a permanent duality between the self and the outside world: conversely, Pisces absorb and wipe out any form of differentiation; with Pisces, there can be no opposition, no conflict, no individual reaction. There is only fusion, non-separation, perpetual and mobile spreading of the self over some sort of blurred but huge feeling of sympathy with the environment. It is the supreme reign of feelings and emotions over the intellect and its separating reason.
With this Ascendant, you come across as emotional, sensitive, dedicated, adaptable, nice, wild, compassionate, romantic, imaginative, flexible, opportunist, intuitive, impossible to categorized, irrational, seductive, placid, secretive, introverted, pleasant, artistic, and charming. But you may also be indecisive, moody, confused, wavering, lazy, scatterbrained, vulnerable, unpredictable and gullible.
Sun Aspects
Sun conjunction Pluto orb +1°12'
Sun trine Mars orb -2°26'
Sun conjunction Pluto orb +1°12'
Sun trine Mars orb -2°26'
Planets: Sun
The Sun represents vitality, individuality, will-power and creative energy and honours. For a woman, it also represents her father, and later her husband. The Sun is one of the most important symbols in the birth chart, as much as the Ascendant, then the Moon (a bit less for a man), the ruler of the Ascendant and the fast-moving planets.
It's element is fire; it is hot and dry, it governs Leo, is in exaltation in Aries and is in analogy with the heart. It represents the boss, authority, beside the father and the husband ; the age of the Sun goes from 20 years old to about 40, following the Venus age when one is aware of his seductive power.
Temperament : Bilious
Characterology : Emotive, Active, Secondary, passionate type.
Interpretation of the 24° Scorpio symbolic degree
"A man swims in rough seas."
Generous and courageous character determined to brave any danger in order to help one's fellow creatures out of a difficult situation. Although no gratitude is expressed by the persons rescued, one continues to lend a helping hand to people in need. So much selflessness arouses public esteem and respect. However, one must beware of jealousy, hypocrisy, and slanders.
Sun in Scorpio
You constantly strive to keep your self-control and to resist external pressures. Your phlegm actually conceals unusual intense emotions. A hidden force that gives you an inclination for struggles, for difficult or extremist causes, inhabits you. You may display a sarcastic and caustic mind, and in the worst cases, you may be destructive. But your resistance abilities prove valuable when the situation goes awry. Scorpio does not mind the sign’s “bad reputation”, moreover, he is proud of it, he claims it and he scoffs at it. Most certainly, he has nothing to do with ordinary mortals. You are very sensitive to power struggles. You try to use your adversary and to combine opposing elements. You resort to scheming and to manipulation. You use a person to hit another and you use the latter to charm a third party. Scorpio is a fine strategist, a born politician. Far from breaking him down, adversity stimulates Scorpio’s creativity. Better than anyone, you can handle crises that imply fighting spirit, subtlety in confrontations and challenge. Your forte? You express your powers to their fullest, you master the art of straightening out endangered situations and you dramatically reverse the interests at stake.
Sun in House IX
In your natal chart, the Sun is in your 9th House. Beyond the Sun, beyond models and marks, there are necessarily different truths and different references. The Sun in the 9th House prompts you to explore and to go beyond your values. It heralds spiritual quests or journeys, depending on the case. The stake is always the same and consists in pushing back the limits of your Sun, and in discovering other meanings and other differences. Your ideal? To accept in order to integrate, to grow, and to always move further.
Sun Dominant
If the Sun is part of your natal chart's planetary dominants, in astrology, you are said to be a Solarian: you loathe pettiness and Machiavellian manoeuvre, and you are fond of natural nobleness as well as of direct and honest attitudes. You endeavour to get out of muddled or dark situations as quickly as possible. Your need for transparency may lead you to make cut-and-dried judgments such as yes or no, and black or white. However, your honesty commands your entourage's consideration. At times, you come across as authoritarian. It is true that you never want to be thought of the notable absentee, and that you manage to make people pay attention to you, as well as to your plans and your assessments. To this end, the Solarian sometimes develops a great talent for placing himself under the spotlight without missing a single opportunity to arouse interest. Some other Solarians, although more discreet, still manage to be the focus of any debate, even in situations of exclusion. It is your way of being present even though you are actually not there... More than other people, you appreciate the esteem extended to you. It is useless to cheat with you, since in all areas you consider establishing enduring relationships only with those who love you, admire you, respect you, or express some degree of affection to you. Your will to straighten out your inter-personal relationships is your strength and sometimes, your Achilles' heel. You cannot achieve anything behind the scenes. Therefore, your comportment is marked with heroism, and your stands are devoid of ambiguity, in the sense that your commitments are unfailing, and your rebuffs, final.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Feminisation
Flower/ floral patterns,
soft fabric,
flowing dress,
peachy pink,
ribbons,
polka-dots,
chiffon or sheer material,
sequins, glitter,
etc.
I have started to love these things so much more than I usually do.
I used to love black a lot, love the geometric shape of a blazer, love the defined lines of a shirt, love the tough fabric of a khaki coat.
Now I start to love patterns, prints, and really bright and strong colors.
Partially, because I am free now. Free of what has been always a stress on me, free of my own restraining, free of sadness. It doesn't mean that I am no longer feeling stress, or bound by my thoughts, or sad. But the greatest part what has been restraining my soul (my mom) has been taken away from my life. I don't talk to her much, only once a week. Therefore, I don't get affected by the things that could drag me down.
I realize now that the rigid structure, dark color that is always my favorite was a result of me trying to protect, to strengthen myself again my own upbringing which tends to injure me severely.
Now that I am here, and especially, when I am finally connected soul to soul with a person who serves both as a parental guidance and as a friend/ companion for me, I could finally free my soul, and let it soar, be soft and emotional, be myself again.
Yet, I know that, this dark part is never gonna disappear from me. That is why my style is always going to have an edge to it.
soft fabric,
flowing dress,
peachy pink,
ribbons,
polka-dots,
chiffon or sheer material,
sequins, glitter,
etc.
I have started to love these things so much more than I usually do.
I used to love black a lot, love the geometric shape of a blazer, love the defined lines of a shirt, love the tough fabric of a khaki coat.
Now I start to love patterns, prints, and really bright and strong colors.
Partially, because I am free now. Free of what has been always a stress on me, free of my own restraining, free of sadness. It doesn't mean that I am no longer feeling stress, or bound by my thoughts, or sad. But the greatest part what has been restraining my soul (my mom) has been taken away from my life. I don't talk to her much, only once a week. Therefore, I don't get affected by the things that could drag me down.
I realize now that the rigid structure, dark color that is always my favorite was a result of me trying to protect, to strengthen myself again my own upbringing which tends to injure me severely.
Now that I am here, and especially, when I am finally connected soul to soul with a person who serves both as a parental guidance and as a friend/ companion for me, I could finally free my soul, and let it soar, be soft and emotional, be myself again.
Yet, I know that, this dark part is never gonna disappear from me. That is why my style is always going to have an edge to it.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Dreams
A few days ago, I watched Christian Dior Haute Couture Spring Summer 2012, and I was captivated. I have never seen costumes so beautifully design, with such an array of details that dictates the skill and made from such wonderful fabric.
Sheer, see-through material that was layered with a spectrum from white, grey to black. The fold and the curve are perfectly where they are supposed to be. Every piece of the collection charmed me, and they are very uniform in idea and concept.
Watching a walking enormous work of art like that is striking and sad at the same time. To think that I will never be able to reach to that level of skill, never be able to create something of such beauty is a very daunting thought. People like to say never give up your dream. But there are circumstances in which your mere will of not giving up the dream is not enough. Say, I want to create such a beautiful dress. It takes talent, experience, effort, skill and an enormous amount of money. No matter how much I tried to do every day, there is little that I can do that could allow me to realize my dream.
"Dreams need to be big, so that even if it is shattered, you still have big pieces left."
Sheer, see-through material that was layered with a spectrum from white, grey to black. The fold and the curve are perfectly where they are supposed to be. Every piece of the collection charmed me, and they are very uniform in idea and concept.
Watching a walking enormous work of art like that is striking and sad at the same time. To think that I will never be able to reach to that level of skill, never be able to create something of such beauty is a very daunting thought. People like to say never give up your dream. But there are circumstances in which your mere will of not giving up the dream is not enough. Say, I want to create such a beautiful dress. It takes talent, experience, effort, skill and an enormous amount of money. No matter how much I tried to do every day, there is little that I can do that could allow me to realize my dream.
"Dreams need to be big, so that even if it is shattered, you still have big pieces left."
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The thing about Tuesday
Morning.
I'm not a happy person today.
The Biochem quiz really annoyed me. Why?
Because it is so long for 20 minutes.
Because the material is very tricky, nothing came straight out of the notes in class.
Because the eraser was useless.
Because some part of the questions are not talked about in class, but at the same time
Because I know I would have been able to finish the quiz if I have read the book
Because I understand the material, but made stupid mistakes
Because just the way the quiz is, it drives me crazy.
I'm not a happy person today.
The Biochem quiz really annoyed me. Why?
Because it is so long for 20 minutes.
Because the material is very tricky, nothing came straight out of the notes in class.
Because the eraser was useless.
Because some part of the questions are not talked about in class, but at the same time
Because I know I would have been able to finish the quiz if I have read the book
Because I understand the material, but made stupid mistakes
Because just the way the quiz is, it drives me crazy.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Songs with fresh tune
As I downloaded "Geek in the Pink" - Jason Mraz, I realize that my sense of music has again turned a new direction.
A year ago or so, when I listened to "Geek in the Pink", I did not really find it fitting my style of music, did not feel that I have ever experienced emotion so bouncing and light. The song was just to carefree for my style, the music too colorful and the feel from it didn't reflect myself.
A few days ago, I listen to CNBlue (Jonghyun and Yonghwa)'s cover of "Geek in the Pink" and I was truly charmed. Of course, their cover version was a little more fast beat and have an exotic taste (due to their pronunciation), but it was enough to make me realize that I want this tune in my music collection.
I guess I'm moving toward the type of music that is colorful, complicated but light, lively but not light-headed, somewhat rough and acoustic. It has a spontaneous aspect of jazz, but I am still not prepared for jazz yet. I still can't love jazz yet.
To add to this list of new music taste, there is:
"I'm the One" - IndigoBlue. Tenshi no Koi OST
"Spring I love you best" and "You are everywhere" - Big Baby Driver. A Gentleman's Dignity OST
"After This Night" - Monday Kiz (found on The Voice Korea)
"With Me" - Wheesung (found on The Voice Korea) - this song is not so happy, but it has this kind of beat that fits my new taste.
"We re going up" - Tim McMorris (found when watching Wendyslookbook video)
"EGO" - Big Bang
The one that I liked but still a bit too intricate for my ability to synchronize: "My favorite things" (The Sound of Music)
(mid July, 2012 to present)
Preceding this light acoustic movement, I was adoring Kana Nishino's songs and other that has the same style. The style of music was songs that had a lot of energy and brightness, but feels longing and sad.
Kana Nishino's
"Dear"
"Distance"
"Kimitte"
"Tatoe Donna Ni"
"Watashitachi"
"If"
Fumika's
"Tengoku no Door"
"Taisetsu no Hikari"
CNBlue's
"Sweet Holiday"
"Hey You"
"Still in Love"
While this cheerful but longing preference lasted very long, I also have a smaller new interest development with CNBlue's song. I started to fall in love with all of the CNBlue's song. Of course, there are ones that I like better, but overall all of their songs fits my taste well.
I like the beat and guitar rhythm of One Time, Intuition and Lie.
I like the liveliness and brightness of Hey You, Love Girl (which I used to not like so much), Sweet Holiday and You've fallen for me.
"Love" has a balance of everything. It is rather a sad tune, but is not too heavy, and is very fast beat. It is by far my favorite for the longest of all CNBlue's songs.
"Feeling" is a new song from CNBlue that I just downloaded. I love this song after listening to only a few notes. It has a vibrant, strange but very attractive melody.
(from November, 2011 to June, 2012)
A year ago or so, when I listened to "Geek in the Pink", I did not really find it fitting my style of music, did not feel that I have ever experienced emotion so bouncing and light. The song was just to carefree for my style, the music too colorful and the feel from it didn't reflect myself.
A few days ago, I listen to CNBlue (Jonghyun and Yonghwa)'s cover of "Geek in the Pink" and I was truly charmed. Of course, their cover version was a little more fast beat and have an exotic taste (due to their pronunciation), but it was enough to make me realize that I want this tune in my music collection.
I guess I'm moving toward the type of music that is colorful, complicated but light, lively but not light-headed, somewhat rough and acoustic. It has a spontaneous aspect of jazz, but I am still not prepared for jazz yet. I still can't love jazz yet.
To add to this list of new music taste, there is:
"I'm the One" - IndigoBlue. Tenshi no Koi OST
"Spring I love you best" and "You are everywhere" - Big Baby Driver. A Gentleman's Dignity OST
"After This Night" - Monday Kiz (found on The Voice Korea)
"With Me" - Wheesung (found on The Voice Korea) - this song is not so happy, but it has this kind of beat that fits my new taste.
"We re going up" - Tim McMorris (found when watching Wendyslookbook video)
"EGO" - Big Bang
The one that I liked but still a bit too intricate for my ability to synchronize: "My favorite things" (The Sound of Music)
(mid July, 2012 to present)
Preceding this light acoustic movement, I was adoring Kana Nishino's songs and other that has the same style. The style of music was songs that had a lot of energy and brightness, but feels longing and sad.
Kana Nishino's
"Dear"
"Distance"
"Kimitte"
"Tatoe Donna Ni"
"Watashitachi"
"If"
Fumika's
"Tengoku no Door"
"Taisetsu no Hikari"
CNBlue's
"Sweet Holiday"
"Hey You"
"Still in Love"
While this cheerful but longing preference lasted very long, I also have a smaller new interest development with CNBlue's song. I started to fall in love with all of the CNBlue's song. Of course, there are ones that I like better, but overall all of their songs fits my taste well.
I like the beat and guitar rhythm of One Time, Intuition and Lie.
I like the liveliness and brightness of Hey You, Love Girl (which I used to not like so much), Sweet Holiday and You've fallen for me.
"Love" has a balance of everything. It is rather a sad tune, but is not too heavy, and is very fast beat. It is by far my favorite for the longest of all CNBlue's songs.
"Feeling" is a new song from CNBlue that I just downloaded. I love this song after listening to only a few notes. It has a vibrant, strange but very attractive melody.
(from November, 2011 to June, 2012)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Summer Food Adventure [4]
I haven't taking much picture of food or cooking anything fancy lately. The heat has been waning down, but friends are also leaving. I am currently leaving on my college campus. In the beginning of this week, I and my friends moved to different dorms, making it hard to gather together and cook. However, since last time I posted, there has been some tasty adventure that we bravely initiated.
First is steamed tilapia with scallion and ginger. This was just an imitation I made of the same dish that I had when we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. To be honest, tilapia's meat is very soft and unsuitable for steaming. It tasted alright, but not the best.
Something very non-Vietnamese. Can anyone guess by this golden brown shiny appearance of the bread?
This was the famous French Toast, caramelized with brown sugar. This was the first time I made French Toast, so I had to look up the recipe. In fact, I made it because I saw the very tasty recipe from iamafoodblog.com
First is steamed tilapia with scallion and ginger. This was just an imitation I made of the same dish that I had when we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. To be honest, tilapia's meat is very soft and unsuitable for steaming. It tasted alright, but not the best.
This is the huge adventure of my two friends. They were trying to make Hue Beef Noodle, a signature dish from Hue, the old capital of Vietnam. The ingredients were complicated and the process of making stock was very long. You can see beef, pork bones, crab meat, etc. It was a very protein-rich meal, LOL. We all had food comma after eating just one bowl of noodle.
Credit: Recipe from Into the Vietnamese Kitchen by Andrea Nguyen
The broth, with seasoning from some sort of oil, I forgot =P
The arrangement: slices of boiled beef and pork, crab ball imitation, scallion, coriander and mint.
In went the broth, and some chili lemon grass paste.
Something very non-Vietnamese. Can anyone guess by this golden brown shiny appearance of the bread?
This was the famous French Toast, caramelized with brown sugar. This was the first time I made French Toast, so I had to look up the recipe. In fact, I made it because I saw the very tasty recipe from iamafoodblog.com
Just some instant noodle this time. But as an Asian, who can resist instant noodle? This is Nongshim ramen from Walmart. I believe the flavor was from Korea. It was very spicy, but so good.
Can you guess what I was about to make? From the very simple ingredients: spaghetti, olive oil, coriander (bc I didn't have parsley) and garlic.
It was Aglio Olio. To make a well rounded meal, I also added carrot, mushroom, green pepper and bacon, because every one love bacon, LOL. I basically just pan fried the bacon without oil then topped it on the pasta. Very tasty!
It's cherry season. Not something that I cooked, but this was the first time I got to indulge in so much cherries! Such awesome and sexy fruit.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Unequal
"I don't want to owe anybody anything, so I keep myself as much on the lending side as I can." - 1Q84 - Haruki Murakami
I hate people who take advantages of others. That being said, it doesn't mean that I never took advantage of other people, but in a broad sense, I gave more than take. I guess it is something in human nature to do things that would benefit themselves. To steal the front in a queue, to take the bigger bite, to choose the creamier slice, to hold on to a better seat, to do less work, etc.
Why do I hate it so much if it's human nature? It could be because I am always the one who is taken advantage of. It is my attitude to give. I do not like competing, and I can always accept the less advantageous side of things. Maybe I just don't give a damn to a lot of things, and when you don't care, you don't fight for it. Since I do not mind yielding, I let other people seize the better without complaining or feeling unfair. However, toward this attitude of mine, people, a lot of times, will utilize it, or do not even notice that they are draining my endurance.
I hate people who don't understand that if you are taking something, you better giving something back, even of lesser quantity; people who think that life should always go the way they wanted and whatever they want can be obtain at ease; and people who simply insist they always have the best of everything, and thus, use every mean to achieve it. Why is it that they can not back down for once? I guess I hate them because I am powerless toward them. They could strip me off my last possession and I could do nothing. That is because I hate to 'take'.
Countless time in my life had I been taken advantage of blatantly. In high school, I sat next to this girl who was very clever and dominating. In casual conversation, I was on the same level with her, but when it came to choosing some thing, she would always snatch the best options. I didn't mind, because things that she thought to be the best didn't concern me. My original seat was in the middle while hers was on the side, next to the teacher's walkway. Sometimes she would randomly change the seat with me, and I don't mind. One day we had a history exam (yes, I still remembered the subject). She was already sitting at my seat without my approval, and I knew she wanted to sit there because the teacher would less likely to watch her if she sat inside. First of all, it was my original seat. Second of all, I didn't believe in having the inside seat created better condition for the exam. After all, I knew that she wanted to open her notes. I was furious inside. I didn't want her to continue pushing me to her benefits just because I didn't act against her. So I told her to return to her seat with a casual tone. She did not, obviously, but also talked back to me so sharply that I couldn't restrain anymore. I burst into tears and ran out. It was not obvious that I cried. I did not make any sound or hiss. But I did walk out of class and stand in the hallway, looking down at the trees.
I never really cried because I was sad. I cried because I was angry. It was a kind of anger and oppression that couldn't be expressed by words.
I always hate this type of people. And I don't know how I ended up being their close friends.
I hate people who take advantages of others. That being said, it doesn't mean that I never took advantage of other people, but in a broad sense, I gave more than take. I guess it is something in human nature to do things that would benefit themselves. To steal the front in a queue, to take the bigger bite, to choose the creamier slice, to hold on to a better seat, to do less work, etc.
Why do I hate it so much if it's human nature? It could be because I am always the one who is taken advantage of. It is my attitude to give. I do not like competing, and I can always accept the less advantageous side of things. Maybe I just don't give a damn to a lot of things, and when you don't care, you don't fight for it. Since I do not mind yielding, I let other people seize the better without complaining or feeling unfair. However, toward this attitude of mine, people, a lot of times, will utilize it, or do not even notice that they are draining my endurance.
I hate people who don't understand that if you are taking something, you better giving something back, even of lesser quantity; people who think that life should always go the way they wanted and whatever they want can be obtain at ease; and people who simply insist they always have the best of everything, and thus, use every mean to achieve it. Why is it that they can not back down for once? I guess I hate them because I am powerless toward them. They could strip me off my last possession and I could do nothing. That is because I hate to 'take'.
Countless time in my life had I been taken advantage of blatantly. In high school, I sat next to this girl who was very clever and dominating. In casual conversation, I was on the same level with her, but when it came to choosing some thing, she would always snatch the best options. I didn't mind, because things that she thought to be the best didn't concern me. My original seat was in the middle while hers was on the side, next to the teacher's walkway. Sometimes she would randomly change the seat with me, and I don't mind. One day we had a history exam (yes, I still remembered the subject). She was already sitting at my seat without my approval, and I knew she wanted to sit there because the teacher would less likely to watch her if she sat inside. First of all, it was my original seat. Second of all, I didn't believe in having the inside seat created better condition for the exam. After all, I knew that she wanted to open her notes. I was furious inside. I didn't want her to continue pushing me to her benefits just because I didn't act against her. So I told her to return to her seat with a casual tone. She did not, obviously, but also talked back to me so sharply that I couldn't restrain anymore. I burst into tears and ran out. It was not obvious that I cried. I did not make any sound or hiss. But I did walk out of class and stand in the hallway, looking down at the trees.
I never really cried because I was sad. I cried because I was angry. It was a kind of anger and oppression that couldn't be expressed by words.
I always hate this type of people. And I don't know how I ended up being their close friends.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
God
I'm an atheist, and sometimes more on the side of an agnostic.
However, I believe, if God exists, God will not hold human form. Why would God hold human form if God is the ultimate being that exceed human. More likely, God will hold the form of an animal or a hybrid of animals. What I believe is that nature possesses the greatest power. Everything in the ecology system works smoothly together to propel life forward. Food chain, natural selection, and disaster are natural.
Human used to belong to nature, but no longer. The biggest mistake, which is also the magnificent magic of life, was to present human with a mind. The mind that can think, communicate, predict the future and reason. It is the mind that invented the tools, and eventually technology. The inventions put a halt to the natural wheel of evolution.
One of the biggest problem is that human defied natural selection. With the availability of medicine and technology, human's longevity has increased significantly. Death at young age or due to diseases are also less remarkable. In fact, whether they are good genes or bad genes, they are passed to the next generation. Population quality no longer relies on survival skill, but rather on civil skill. Besides, human is all over the surface of the Earth now, and they claim that the Earth is theirs. The truth is human is the last product of nature, is the youngest child, and therefore is the bottom heir. The way that life on Earth is operated right now is very unnatural. Some thing is wrong.
However, if I was to survive solely on my own genetic characteristics and endurance, I could very well have been eliminated already.
However, I believe, if God exists, God will not hold human form. Why would God hold human form if God is the ultimate being that exceed human. More likely, God will hold the form of an animal or a hybrid of animals. What I believe is that nature possesses the greatest power. Everything in the ecology system works smoothly together to propel life forward. Food chain, natural selection, and disaster are natural.
Human used to belong to nature, but no longer. The biggest mistake, which is also the magnificent magic of life, was to present human with a mind. The mind that can think, communicate, predict the future and reason. It is the mind that invented the tools, and eventually technology. The inventions put a halt to the natural wheel of evolution.
One of the biggest problem is that human defied natural selection. With the availability of medicine and technology, human's longevity has increased significantly. Death at young age or due to diseases are also less remarkable. In fact, whether they are good genes or bad genes, they are passed to the next generation. Population quality no longer relies on survival skill, but rather on civil skill. Besides, human is all over the surface of the Earth now, and they claim that the Earth is theirs. The truth is human is the last product of nature, is the youngest child, and therefore is the bottom heir. The way that life on Earth is operated right now is very unnatural. Some thing is wrong.
However, if I was to survive solely on my own genetic characteristics and endurance, I could very well have been eliminated already.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Nonsense talk.
Happiness does not have substance, it floats.
Why do people pursuit happiness all the time? Was it because it doesn't last? It lasts, in fact. The situation that creates happiness lasts, but happiness is gone.
Marriage is happiness. But as time goes on, even though the basket for happiness remains the same, no happiness resides inside.
Happiness floats, but it needs something to float on, or else it will sink. Ice floats on water, but if you put ice in an empty cup, it sinks.
Ice and water are of the same matter but differ in phase.
Happiness and sadness are one.
You can't feel happy without having the sadness to float the joy.
Why do people pursuit happiness all the time? Was it because it doesn't last? It lasts, in fact. The situation that creates happiness lasts, but happiness is gone.
Marriage is happiness. But as time goes on, even though the basket for happiness remains the same, no happiness resides inside.
Happiness floats, but it needs something to float on, or else it will sink. Ice floats on water, but if you put ice in an empty cup, it sinks.
Ice and water are of the same matter but differ in phase.
Happiness and sadness are one.
You can't feel happy without having the sadness to float the joy.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Summer food adventure [3]
It's been terribly hot lately, so I haven't cooked very often. But I have a few picture of some food trials that I haven't posted.
I have made several things that doesn't have pictures and tasted quite well: breaded fried shrimp; potato, carrot, cabbage soup with rib base, tofu tomato soup, and a pasta stir-fry with chicken and sausage.
This is one of the big dish that I and my friends attempted at: Crispy Roasted Pork. The sink was not very crispy, and turned out to be exceptionally salty (as we followed the recipe and rub the skin with vinegar-salt mixture). The meat tasted ok, but also salty. It could have been better. It was sort of a failure.
I have made several things that doesn't have pictures and tasted quite well: breaded fried shrimp; potato, carrot, cabbage soup with rib base, tofu tomato soup, and a pasta stir-fry with chicken and sausage.
This is one of the big dish that I and my friends attempted at: Crispy Roasted Pork. The sink was not very crispy, and turned out to be exceptionally salty (as we followed the recipe and rub the skin with vinegar-salt mixture). The meat tasted ok, but also salty. It could have been better. It was sort of a failure.
This is rice, with stuffed tofu and tomato sauce. It didn't taste too bad.
This morning, when it finally turned cool (thanks God), I made a big breakfast with pasta and over easy. Too bad I did not have tomato sauce, so I just improvised some. The sauce was very sour. Recently, I haven't succeeded much in my cooking. It made me sad and disappointed my stomach.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
ROAR
This heat is killing me!
I can never believe that I could have been so horribly unfortunate to have ended up on the fourth floor (highest floor) of a brick building, in a room so small that the air is packed. Once the heat sipped in, it won't leave. The fan is powerless compared to the packed air that won't move. The hall way is also small, and the window screen seems too strong a barrier for the wind to come in.
But if I walked downstairs, I could distinctly feel the decrease of the heat. If I walk along the basement's hallway, I feel the chill biting my skin, sucking the heat and sweat away. The difference is intolerable.
At day time, the first floor is also heated up (still cooler than the top floor). However, when the night descended, the temperature drops quickly like a person releasing a sigh. That is the first floor. It won't happen to the forth floor. No matter how much the temperature decreases, how strongly the wind hits the building, how vigorously the rain falls, the heat won't go away.
It sticks to the skin, blocks your airway, presses on you when you touch anything. It surrounded you, and won't let you escape.
The student center, library, even wellness center-basically any air conditioned resort- are closed. Academic buildings that students work in deny swipe-access during weekend. There's not much you can do within walking distance. And a walk of only a block away can drench you and torture you well enough.
This sort of situation is hopeless, and it burns me, with heat and anger!
I can never believe that I could have been so horribly unfortunate to have ended up on the fourth floor (highest floor) of a brick building, in a room so small that the air is packed. Once the heat sipped in, it won't leave. The fan is powerless compared to the packed air that won't move. The hall way is also small, and the window screen seems too strong a barrier for the wind to come in.
But if I walked downstairs, I could distinctly feel the decrease of the heat. If I walk along the basement's hallway, I feel the chill biting my skin, sucking the heat and sweat away. The difference is intolerable.
At day time, the first floor is also heated up (still cooler than the top floor). However, when the night descended, the temperature drops quickly like a person releasing a sigh. That is the first floor. It won't happen to the forth floor. No matter how much the temperature decreases, how strongly the wind hits the building, how vigorously the rain falls, the heat won't go away.
It sticks to the skin, blocks your airway, presses on you when you touch anything. It surrounded you, and won't let you escape.
The student center, library, even wellness center-basically any air conditioned resort- are closed. Academic buildings that students work in deny swipe-access during weekend. There's not much you can do within walking distance. And a walk of only a block away can drench you and torture you well enough.
This sort of situation is hopeless, and it burns me, with heat and anger!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Burning me up
I woke up at 2AM in the morning. For a person who took a full 15 minutes to fully function, it took the heat only thirty seconds to rip me off my confused state.
I felt like I was trapped in an invisible prison of heat, I got up, sat in front of the fan, and the wind that was coming off it was only slightly less hot than the still air. I was desperate. Sitting for a while, I wondered if I could sleep sitting up. Not possible.
After a lot of deliberation, I stood up and opened the door of my room. The air outside was slightly cooler than the stuffy air block in my room, but it was nothing considerable. Still, I need to keep the door open for the air to circulate. What should I do?
I finally resolve to the solution that others had done on my floor, putting a big drapery over the door so that the air can float by easily without exposing the interior of your room to all passer-by. I moved my chair, in my hand, my bed cover piece. This should be good, I thought. Standing on the chair I reached over to the top of the door, to be disappointed by the fact that I could not even reach the ceiling where I could contemporarily hang the piece of fabric. Arghhh. The heat drove me crazy. And even if I tried to think, I could not come up with any other solution.
I moved my fan over to the plug that was closer to the door, hoping to pull in some air from outside. The problem with the door was still there.
Eventually I gave up and risk my privacy to leave the door open and go to sleep. It took me more than half an hour to fall back to sleep. Never had I been put into such a horrible situation.
I felt like I was trapped in an invisible prison of heat, I got up, sat in front of the fan, and the wind that was coming off it was only slightly less hot than the still air. I was desperate. Sitting for a while, I wondered if I could sleep sitting up. Not possible.
After a lot of deliberation, I stood up and opened the door of my room. The air outside was slightly cooler than the stuffy air block in my room, but it was nothing considerable. Still, I need to keep the door open for the air to circulate. What should I do?
I finally resolve to the solution that others had done on my floor, putting a big drapery over the door so that the air can float by easily without exposing the interior of your room to all passer-by. I moved my chair, in my hand, my bed cover piece. This should be good, I thought. Standing on the chair I reached over to the top of the door, to be disappointed by the fact that I could not even reach the ceiling where I could contemporarily hang the piece of fabric. Arghhh. The heat drove me crazy. And even if I tried to think, I could not come up with any other solution.
I moved my fan over to the plug that was closer to the door, hoping to pull in some air from outside. The problem with the door was still there.
Eventually I gave up and risk my privacy to leave the door open and go to sleep. It took me more than half an hour to fall back to sleep. Never had I been put into such a horrible situation.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Summer food adventure no.2
More food!
This was my attempt to make Katsudon: a rice bowl with omelet and tonkatsu (fried pork covered with bread crumb. It was not so good too look at, and the bread crumb was too thin. But the taste was awesome nonetheless!
This was my attempt to make Katsudon: a rice bowl with omelet and tonkatsu (fried pork covered with bread crumb. It was not so good too look at, and the bread crumb was too thin. But the taste was awesome nonetheless!
Tomato mussel soup, with deep fried shallot. It wasn't sour enough, but the fragrance was good.
Shrimp mixed stir-fry: mushrooms, broccoli, carrot, onion and celery. Ummm~~~ Reminded me of Tet's food.
A simple lunch box with all left-overs: fried sweet potato, beef stir-fry with celery and green pepper, and cabbage-egg stir-fry.
A true adventure this time! Rice vermicelli with ribs and pork feet tomato soup. Colored by turmeric powder. Believe me, I would have put in the real turmeric if I could.
Monday, June 18, 2012
It doesn't wait
"Maybe I can leave it for tomorrow."
"I will do it next time."
"Oh, I have time for that, later."
How many times have you pushed your tasks forward in time, thinking that on the eternity one-direction flow of it, you can carve out a negligible piece of time and keep it in your little pocket? Sure enough, it doesn't make a different plucking a hair out of the cat, theoretically.
However, time does not stop simply because you make a gap and hop over it. Flower withered along with every rise and set of the sun. You leave the flower today, and tomorrow you come back, it is not the same. Food decay as the bacteria work theirs way. You leave a piece of bread outside, later on it will grow mold.
Time does not belong to your manipulation. It is true that your mind perceive time as uneven, but it does not change the fact that other living and nonliving aspect of life also perceive time in their own way.
You leave the flower for today, and it rains at night, then the flower is totally damaged.
Time doesn't wait and it doesn't take shortcut.
PS: I was just simply thinking about how I kept putting off taking certain photos of flower and they are not there to take picture of anymore.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Summer Food Adventure
It's summer. I'm living alone, having research assistant job. And, I am responsible for my nutrition balance. I will continually posting picture of the food that I cooked. After all, it's boring, once you cook too much, to cook the same thing again and cook the simple dishes.
So today, I tried my luck with "bún măng" (round rice noodle with bamboo shoot and pig feet split soup). Of course, there are not enough ingredients. I don't have round rice noodle, so I used spaghetti instead (angel-hair to be exact). It is definitely not the same thing. The rice noodle has a cool, pleasant feeling when it touches your tongue and it adds a special sour taste to the dish. The pig feet split was also a big challenge. To cut it into suitable pieces, I had to accumulate all my muscle strength. Bamboo shoot came in a can, which was not the most awesome thing either. At first, the soup turned out to be salty and I was worried. However, as I added the noodle and lime juice to the soup, the flavor became perfect.
Enough talking, here it is:
Bonus are the pictures of my lunch box :P
So today, I tried my luck with "bún măng" (round rice noodle with bamboo shoot and pig feet split soup). Of course, there are not enough ingredients. I don't have round rice noodle, so I used spaghetti instead (angel-hair to be exact). It is definitely not the same thing. The rice noodle has a cool, pleasant feeling when it touches your tongue and it adds a special sour taste to the dish. The pig feet split was also a big challenge. To cut it into suitable pieces, I had to accumulate all my muscle strength. Bamboo shoot came in a can, which was not the most awesome thing either. At first, the soup turned out to be salty and I was worried. However, as I added the noodle and lime juice to the soup, the flavor became perfect.
Enough talking, here it is:
Bonus are the pictures of my lunch box :P
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Vent out
Taking in, taking it all in,
Tumblr, Deviantart, minitokyo.net, Pinterest
My part time job of net-surfing. I scrolled down the dashboard/ homepage/ news feed, looking at all the good drawings/ paintings, fanarts and occasionally photographs.
The art made my heart thrilled, the beauty slid into my eyes - the lines, the color, the transparency, the blur, the delicate, the detailed. Everything. Piled up in my brain, but never seemed to reach a limit.
All I want to do let it out, by drawing exactly the same thing that I saw, copy, retrace, reference, anyway that works. But my conscience did not allowed. No copying, no tracing, maybe rare referencing.
I learn it now though, whatever it is, as long as I can draw, no matter if I am reusing somebody's ideas, attempting on the same characteristics, or just basing off a photograph. I will tramper my conscience, because I need to vent the pressure out - the pressure of art that piled up.
Tumblr, Deviantart, minitokyo.net, Pinterest
My part time job of net-surfing. I scrolled down the dashboard/ homepage/ news feed, looking at all the good drawings/ paintings, fanarts and occasionally photographs.
The art made my heart thrilled, the beauty slid into my eyes - the lines, the color, the transparency, the blur, the delicate, the detailed. Everything. Piled up in my brain, but never seemed to reach a limit.
All I want to do let it out, by drawing exactly the same thing that I saw, copy, retrace, reference, anyway that works. But my conscience did not allowed. No copying, no tracing, maybe rare referencing.
I learn it now though, whatever it is, as long as I can draw, no matter if I am reusing somebody's ideas, attempting on the same characteristics, or just basing off a photograph. I will tramper my conscience, because I need to vent the pressure out - the pressure of art that piled up.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
1Q84 vs. 2Q12
It feels like playing dice.
The alternating in the character's turn of story telling Haruki Murakami used in 1Q48 set you in the mood of game playing. You wanted to skip a chapter to continue the story that you were following. When Ushikawa's narrative was added as the third story line in book 3, you became even more unsettled in waiting for your turn to roll the dice, i.e. for the story line that you were interested in.
As the story unfold, however, I found that the main characters lead a life that is very similar to mine, in principle. First of all, they all live alone. Second, they have very few tie with the world, and they always remain a strict, repetitive and balance life style. Third, they always make sure their mind is clear and sane.
Of course, I don't literally live alone. I have a roommate during school year; I have a family if I come back home; but right now, this summer of 2012, I am living in a single room. My friend is three door down in the hall way, and the dorm is packed with people I know. But, in my room, there is only me. There are two sets of furniture since this is supposedly a double room: two beds, two desks, two chairs, one big bookshelf, and two drawers. The room was tiny though, so living in a double-single isn't all that luxurious. I used the lower bed as my sleeping space, the desk next to it my recreational corner. The bed that was lofted became a storage space with stuffs that people left under my care during the summer. The table under it is my productive area where I draw and study PCAT.
Today is Sunday, my first completely day-off from work. Saturday I always had a skype session with my parents and went grocery shopping in the afternoon. Today, however, I let myself do what I want. I slept until 9 AM and then rolled around in bed for 17 minutes before getting off the bed. The sun was obnoxiously dashing through the window and illuminating a piece of carpet. The air was mildly hot and stuffy. The white build-it-yourself fan was effortlessly pushing air forward. The atmosphere felt like home, except I was not.
This is the reason why I said my life resembles Aomame's and Tengo's. Waking up at 9 AM is considered a treat for myself. I would never let myself indulge in sleeping away the morning. I am not fond of that. Then, I had breakfast, and started my day checking facebook, Y!mail, tumblr and any websites that I could check on updates. After breakfast, which was yummy and unhealthy instant noodle, I browse through items on Urban-outfitters and Lulus for online shopping. That was not my habit. It just happened that this weekend was memorial weekend and I could get some pretty deal. I did not check out any items so far.
I started reading 1Q84 from where I left off at around 10:30 AM. I made a rule to myself that I would not read 1Q84 in the evening, and I have been working 8 hours straight everyday. My reading schedule had been interrupted severely. My stomach growled at something past noon. I heated up food that I cooked from the previous day, and continued reading as I ate. I also tried the American peaches that I bought yesterday. These would be pretty expensive back home, I assumed. They did not taste bad, and were especially fresh and crunchy. Around 2:30PM, I decided that I have had enough dose of 1Q84 for a day, so I stopped and started writing this entry. Everything that I do during a day would always be carefully measured out in my head so that I could have a pretty good amount of things I want to do. After all, the weekend is not that long.
The balancing of activities that I do also relates to the fact that I want to keep my mind under control. I want to keep my sense and emotion in checked. Thus, I don't sleep without an alarm clock on. I don't read as much as I want and let myself be obsessed with the other world. I don't browse the Internet endlessly and drain my energy on such bottomless thing. That is how I keep my sanity straight. It is important to always know what is real, what is going on, and what is the coordination of time and space when I am alone, because there is no other person to keep me on pace with reality. I am very easy to lose myself in my own world, and only a different being from myself can be my reality anchor.
All this being said, my shoulder is tired and I am bored of typing now. I will, hopefully, follow up with a post about my definition of reality anchor.
The alternating in the character's turn of story telling Haruki Murakami used in 1Q48 set you in the mood of game playing. You wanted to skip a chapter to continue the story that you were following. When Ushikawa's narrative was added as the third story line in book 3, you became even more unsettled in waiting for your turn to roll the dice, i.e. for the story line that you were interested in.
As the story unfold, however, I found that the main characters lead a life that is very similar to mine, in principle. First of all, they all live alone. Second, they have very few tie with the world, and they always remain a strict, repetitive and balance life style. Third, they always make sure their mind is clear and sane.
Of course, I don't literally live alone. I have a roommate during school year; I have a family if I come back home; but right now, this summer of 2012, I am living in a single room. My friend is three door down in the hall way, and the dorm is packed with people I know. But, in my room, there is only me. There are two sets of furniture since this is supposedly a double room: two beds, two desks, two chairs, one big bookshelf, and two drawers. The room was tiny though, so living in a double-single isn't all that luxurious. I used the lower bed as my sleeping space, the desk next to it my recreational corner. The bed that was lofted became a storage space with stuffs that people left under my care during the summer. The table under it is my productive area where I draw and study PCAT.
Today is Sunday, my first completely day-off from work. Saturday I always had a skype session with my parents and went grocery shopping in the afternoon. Today, however, I let myself do what I want. I slept until 9 AM and then rolled around in bed for 17 minutes before getting off the bed. The sun was obnoxiously dashing through the window and illuminating a piece of carpet. The air was mildly hot and stuffy. The white build-it-yourself fan was effortlessly pushing air forward. The atmosphere felt like home, except I was not.
This is the reason why I said my life resembles Aomame's and Tengo's. Waking up at 9 AM is considered a treat for myself. I would never let myself indulge in sleeping away the morning. I am not fond of that. Then, I had breakfast, and started my day checking facebook, Y!mail, tumblr and any websites that I could check on updates. After breakfast, which was yummy and unhealthy instant noodle, I browse through items on Urban-outfitters and Lulus for online shopping. That was not my habit. It just happened that this weekend was memorial weekend and I could get some pretty deal. I did not check out any items so far.
I started reading 1Q84 from where I left off at around 10:30 AM. I made a rule to myself that I would not read 1Q84 in the evening, and I have been working 8 hours straight everyday. My reading schedule had been interrupted severely. My stomach growled at something past noon. I heated up food that I cooked from the previous day, and continued reading as I ate. I also tried the American peaches that I bought yesterday. These would be pretty expensive back home, I assumed. They did not taste bad, and were especially fresh and crunchy. Around 2:30PM, I decided that I have had enough dose of 1Q84 for a day, so I stopped and started writing this entry. Everything that I do during a day would always be carefully measured out in my head so that I could have a pretty good amount of things I want to do. After all, the weekend is not that long.
The balancing of activities that I do also relates to the fact that I want to keep my mind under control. I want to keep my sense and emotion in checked. Thus, I don't sleep without an alarm clock on. I don't read as much as I want and let myself be obsessed with the other world. I don't browse the Internet endlessly and drain my energy on such bottomless thing. That is how I keep my sanity straight. It is important to always know what is real, what is going on, and what is the coordination of time and space when I am alone, because there is no other person to keep me on pace with reality. I am very easy to lose myself in my own world, and only a different being from myself can be my reality anchor.
All this being said, my shoulder is tired and I am bored of typing now. I will, hopefully, follow up with a post about my definition of reality anchor.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Food
Tự nhiên ban đêm ngồi viết nhật ký, facebook, làm study guide (A&P), vẽ vời, lại thèm đủ món,
tự nhiên lại thèm mùi các loại,
thật là tai hại:
trứng ngải cứu (mugwort omelet)
mỳ tôm (instant noodle)
canh hến (basket clam soup)
ực, chẹp. Thèm ăn.
tự nhiên lại thèm mùi các loại,
thật là tai hại:
trứng ngải cứu (mugwort omelet)
mỳ tôm (instant noodle)
canh hến (basket clam soup)
ực, chẹp. Thèm ăn.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Just thoughts
In the end, it is art that would cheer me up. So tell me why, until now I am still not going to be an Art major?
---
I am a dreamer, trap in this world. I am very sorry, my dear self.
----
I hate this body of mine, it is too picky,
a little too hot will annoy it,
a little too cold will shiver it,
can't stuff it with too much favorite food, it will spoil the satisfying feeling,
can't listen to the temporary favorite song on repeat, it will start to detest what it once loved,
can't lie on one side for too long, it will get numb,
can't sleep when it is bright/ noisy,
can't run, exercise,
can't carry heavy things,
incapability.
And I have not even talked about my picky mind.
They are, together, what make my life miserable. -(and precious)
---
I am a dreamer, trap in this world. I am very sorry, my dear self.
----
I hate this body of mine, it is too picky,
a little too hot will annoy it,
a little too cold will shiver it,
can't stuff it with too much favorite food, it will spoil the satisfying feeling,
can't listen to the temporary favorite song on repeat, it will start to detest what it once loved,
can't lie on one side for too long, it will get numb,
can't sleep when it is bright/ noisy,
can't run, exercise,
can't carry heavy things,
incapability.
And I have not even talked about my picky mind.
They are, together, what make my life miserable. -
Monday, March 19, 2012
NIGHT
12:12 AM
At this time of the day (or night), a painting just finished,
in the half-sleepy state,
when the media player on the computer played Dearest (Ayumi Hamasaki), Just a Feeling, and Where you at (Tae Yang)
the soul is moody, and the mind resists resting.
What is it the need of a company, dear solitude Scorpio?
At this time of the day (or night), a painting just finished,
in the half-sleepy state,
when the media player on the computer played Dearest (Ayumi Hamasaki), Just a Feeling, and Where you at (Tae Yang)
the soul is moody, and the mind resists resting.
What is it the need of a company, dear solitude Scorpio?
I guess I can at least rest my mind, because I accomplished something today:
- the ability to talk to the person who was so hard to talk to,
- and the step-up in watercolor painting.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I need
I need a nice notebook. No, I need the notebook that I had at home - home, in my room, home, Hanoi -
I need to write. Something that neither Blogspot, or my diary can hold.
I need to write about myself, the selves inside me, and the self that has been ever changing. I need to document the truth about myself. And there is only one suitable place - the brown notebook. I wish I could have it with me.
---
I need a physical clasp. The creative side in me has been very prosperous these two days. Multiple sketches: water color, pencil, ink. Photographs. Nail polish.
Yet, all of these beauty is but untouchable.
It feels like pouring water into a bottomless well, no reaction, no change, no existence.
My hands, which is grabbing air, wants something tangible. I need to hold on to someone.
---
Since when? I don't know.
I stop feeling the need of a hug, of a hand grasping, of a loving touch.
What I really need is a touch in the heart. I want someone who can reach my soul, whom I can rest my ever-echoing heart, my restless thought on.
Without that, I am still here, on my own, feeling the wind of life reaching from all direction. No one is there to cover me.
The path of solitude,
one trace of foot print,
hand touching air.
I need to write. Something that neither Blogspot, or my diary can hold.
I need to write about myself, the selves inside me, and the self that has been ever changing. I need to document the truth about myself. And there is only one suitable place - the brown notebook. I wish I could have it with me.
---
I need a physical clasp. The creative side in me has been very prosperous these two days. Multiple sketches: water color, pencil, ink. Photographs. Nail polish.
Yet, all of these beauty is but untouchable.
It feels like pouring water into a bottomless well, no reaction, no change, no existence.
My hands, which is grabbing air, wants something tangible. I need to hold on to someone.
---
Since when? I don't know.
I stop feeling the need of a hug, of a hand grasping, of a loving touch.
What I really need is a touch in the heart. I want someone who can reach my soul, whom I can rest my ever-echoing heart, my restless thought on.
Without that, I am still here, on my own, feeling the wind of life reaching from all direction. No one is there to cover me.
The path of solitude,
one trace of foot print,
hand touching air.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tomorrow
No no no no more, tomorrow
The clock is frozen.
Time stops its flow.
I'm still exactly the same as then,
The time stopped right at that last moment.
Even the feet are trapped.
I can't move on.
My hand scarred, symbolism of a broken heart.
My arm extending to receive the pain, symbolism of broken will. Even the other hand is hidden. I don't want to fight (for life) any more. If life is a war, and each day is a battle, then I surrender - head bowing low.
If you look closely, the structure of the clock, with the blocks of ice, resembles an eye. Shattered glass is tears.
This - is a drawing of sorrow.
Of course the face is calm. There's no growling, no moaning, no fussing. That is how I express my emotion. Invisible. The idea is based on my real experience.
Let me just tell the story outright. I hate it when people try to analyze a piece of literature. What if that is NOT the author's intention?
----
The time on the clock, it has a meaning too. It was around that time when I walked into the common lobby and saw him with his girl friend. They were sitting, leaning on each other. No excessive cuddling, but I could tell from a glance. I was shocked I was puzzled. It felt like something slipped out of my hand. It seemed like reality was an illusion. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to write about it. Yet, I want to scream out loud, I want drain out this dense sadness in my heart.
I couldn't smile. I couldn't lift up my feeling. I was just halted. Exactly like that. Hope shattered. Future extinct.
Of course time would pass, and life would through hardship at me again. But there is one future that won't exist any more; and for that future, time stops. The future between me and him.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
THE END
Done,
he got a girl friend.
I know I have not fallen for him. But it still itched my heart, as to see them together, with my own eyes.
This piece of heart, that is already fragile.
I know, he doesn't worth my time being sorrow.
But I am afraid, if I just ignore it [the sadness], my heart will turn into ice.
Oh, it already did.
he got a girl friend.
I know I have not fallen for him. But it still itched my heart, as to see them together, with my own eyes.
This piece of heart, that is already fragile.
I know, he doesn't worth my time being sorrow.
But I am afraid, if I just ignore it [the sadness], my heart will turn into ice.
Oh, it already did.
Walking along the main lobby, seeing him right there, with a girl.
Why have I been so inattentive?
He changed his relationship status, but I did not catch it at all. I know he hid the news feed.
They were friend on facebook between Feb 13 and Feb 15. I guess they knew each other not long at all. Then, one week after that, what I saw from inside the building was that a girl came and hugged him. She remained in that position forever. I have been too careless. "Just another friend." But obviously not.
She started to post on his wall. Once again, I have been negligent.
They went ice-skating together.
And the next day, what I saw was her leaning on him. Now, with one glance I would see plainly what the truth was.
"I am just dressing up, imma go out with my girl tonight."
Woowoh. Nice. Indeed.
Break, if my heart is capable of it.
Bleed, if my soul is capable of it.
Drop, if my tears are capable of it.
Fall, if my body is capable of it.
Fade, if my smile is capable of it.
"Gone, gone, my love is gone."
I do not think of being his girl friend. I don't want any thing. So, why must I feel sad?
Wither, my bud is capable of it.
---------
The music in the pit was loud. It was annoying. I pumped up the volume of my own music player. The only one thing I never want to do. The storm inside pressed on the wall of my body. It wanted to break out, as much as my music want to blow off the noise from outside. I could not do anything. Write about it, talk about it, even think about, were not important. It would still be unchanging truth.
If this was a race, I lost. I could never run fast enough.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
The so-called "Artist"
20 years of existence
No, precisely, 19 years, three months and 10 days.
I have spent almost my entire life drawing. Yet, it seems like not enough.
What is it to be art? I am not sure. But I know what I have been creating so far, is just a distorted image of art. It lacks refined lines and stable structure.
My very old wish. "I have got to be able to do this." That is when a dream is formed.
I read so many manga when I was small. And I told myself, I would one day draw one.
" I have got to be able to make a manga." That was when my dream was formed. Since then, restless movement of pencils; nonstop consumption of paper; unfaltering buds of idea; and, here and there, traces of disappointment.
I have worked so hard toward one goal. Some twists and turns, the destination might have been blocked from view. So after many years of tracing my imagination, I have not got so far. Have I got lost? Certainly.
Perspectives is always a matter of luck,
anatomy is lacking,
inability to draw animals,
and a lot more.
"I would love to be able to do this." Forming a dream now is but too late,
realism/ realistic style,
doll face-up,
architecture,
photography,
fashion design,
piano, or any musical instruments.
So there is only one thing I can do? Background, speed lines, patterns and tone, ink and pen nibs, frame and speech bubbles, human - interactions. A manga.
----------------------------------
No, precisely, 19 years, three months and 10 days.
I have spent almost my entire life drawing. Yet, it seems like not enough.
What is it to be art? I am not sure. But I know what I have been creating so far, is just a distorted image of art. It lacks refined lines and stable structure.
My very old wish. "I have got to be able to do this." That is when a dream is formed.
I read so many manga when I was small. And I told myself, I would one day draw one.
" I have got to be able to make a manga." That was when my dream was formed. Since then, restless movement of pencils; nonstop consumption of paper; unfaltering buds of idea; and, here and there, traces of disappointment.
I have worked so hard toward one goal. Some twists and turns, the destination might have been blocked from view. So after many years of tracing my imagination, I have not got so far. Have I got lost? Certainly.
Perspectives is always a matter of luck,
anatomy is lacking,
inability to draw animals,
and a lot more.
"I would love to be able to do this." Forming a dream now is but too late,
realism/ realistic style,
doll face-up,
architecture,
photography,
fashion design,
piano, or any musical instruments.
So there is only one thing I can do? Background, speed lines, patterns and tone, ink and pen nibs, frame and speech bubbles, human - interactions. A manga.
----------------------------------
February 26th, 2012
One of these distorted image of art:
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Singleness Depression Syndrome (made-up)
If I could just live here, being an old lady.
My heart is so tired, of chasing these frail traces
of a premature love,
passionate feelings
dreams and illusions;
of youth.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
S for Smile
You know I miss that smile - even though it is universal. - even though you smile the same to everyone.
Boy, you passed the photo test. - meaning I can look at your photo and smile. =)
Boy, you passed the photo test. - meaning I can look at your photo and smile. =)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Home
11:09 PM
I am really craving for food, but this is no time to eat. I had a cup milk, and it satisfied my hungry stomach, but it did not please my taste.
At this time, I think of my 11:00 PM meal after I arrived at Noi Bai Airport and got home.
Oh, food, my favorite food.
Then, lay down in the dark, on the cool bamboo mat, in my room.
Home, that was home.
----- Location: Wooster, OH --------
I am really craving for food, but this is no time to eat. I had a cup milk, and it satisfied my hungry stomach, but it did not please my taste.
At this time, I think of my 11:00 PM meal after I arrived at Noi Bai Airport and got home.
Oh, food, my favorite food.
Then, lay down in the dark, on the cool bamboo mat, in my room.
Home, that was home.
----- Location: Wooster, OH --------
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wish list
Added to my wishlist - thing number nth:
Receive flower from a guy.
Receive flower from a guy.
- Mostly any guy is acceptable, not the creepy ones, best if it's the special someone
- Mostly any flower is fine, best if it's my favorite. Favorites consist of hydrangea, lilac, rose, lily of the valley, violet, hibiscus, grape hyacinth, forget-me-not, camellia, etc. - countless. I am not even that picky when it comes to flower.
Monday, February 13, 2012
On Valentine theme
I read this articles about 10 most popular romantic songs in the 1980s, one of which is Hello - Lionel Richie.
"Hello, is it me you're looking for?"
A six-year-old kid doesn't know much English except "hello". Her mother, at that time, however, was good at English. The mother had fallen in love with the song and written the lyrics down in a notebook. Little six-year-old remember when her mom used to hum the song, read the lyrics and play it (on what kind of music player, she was not sure).
It was a young mother, before she got to work so hard for the family.
The little girl now knows that the memory was a beautiful one. It can't come back, but it doesn't mean that the present isn't beautiful.
One important thing, though, that the girl learns is that her mother is as emotional a female as she could ever realized.
Oh, childhood memory.
Single Valentine '12
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Art Block
is an artist crisis.
What is it?
Symptoms, which only the artist can tell:
- no image popping up in one's head, namely imagination turn off.
- no thrilling emotions when looking at beautiful artwork, namely inspiration drain.
- no interest in any music what-so-ever, namely boredom of good old things.
I had an art block for like too months, since the last Christmas painting. Having an art block doesn't necessary mean no artwork is produced. It just means that no passionate feeling is born while doing the artwork and no satisfaction bloomed when the artwork is finished.
This is an unpleasantly persisting feeling, and is the worst feeling for an artist.
This time, my art block is cured by a song - "Sunday morning" cover by Jonghyun of CNBlue.
Also, thanks to Weekly Art Challenge which gave me a topic to dwell on. Eventually, I got myself back on the imagination boat.
"Sunday morning rain is falling" =)
What is it?
Symptoms, which only the artist can tell:
- no image popping up in one's head, namely imagination turn off.
- no thrilling emotions when looking at beautiful artwork, namely inspiration drain.
- no interest in any music what-so-ever, namely boredom of good old things.
I had an art block for like too months, since the last Christmas painting. Having an art block doesn't necessary mean no artwork is produced. It just means that no passionate feeling is born while doing the artwork and no satisfaction bloomed when the artwork is finished.
This is an unpleasantly persisting feeling, and is the worst feeling for an artist.
This time, my art block is cured by a song - "Sunday morning" cover by Jonghyun of CNBlue.
Also, thanks to Weekly Art Challenge which gave me a topic to dwell on. Eventually, I got myself back on the imagination boat.
"Sunday morning rain is falling" =)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
East - West
Do you know that I am always, always, always ...
very lonely.
But my art grows on a lonely heart, not a nourishing one.
Even though I hide myself for art,
Deep down I call out for it, the satisfaction, the fulfilling, the resting feeling of the heart.
As dream comes true.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Relationship Status Single
Sunny day,
Sunday,
Bookmark inside "A Walk to Remember"
Sketchbook with freshly new sketch.
SHINee's - To Your Heart - Jojo - Always Love -Kiss Kiss Kiss.
Somehow I feel happy as a single.
Yakusoku no Hi with really refreshing and softening melody.
Indeed, I did not get a respond on my Facebook chat. Total failure. Nor did I see him on Saturday. But, I know, there's no hope for the situation. Disregard of the fact that we have opposite life styles, the simple fact that we only share 4 months together in the same place is discouraging enough. Wise people should be wise, shouldn't we, Scorpios?
On this windy road of being single, I think I will have to walk a little bit longer.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My wish is ...
to have just that person, who when you roll around in bed at midnight, and you can't sleep, you can just pick up the phone, and text him.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Writing idea
Almost forgot I have this all set up in my mind.
The lovely encounter in Starbucks. Then I forgot my phone on the table, and somehow the guy picked it up. I was so worried all night and then I came to the coffee shop early to ask for my phone. And he got my number. The story starts.
The lovely encounter in Starbucks. Then I forgot my phone on the table, and somehow the guy picked it up. I was so worried all night and then I came to the coffee shop early to ask for my phone. And he got my number. The story starts.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tết
There are pictures that look ordinary like this, nevertheless really mean a lot to me. Indeed, those who are faraway are those who appreciate the commonness the most.
It's almost the Lunar New Year in my home country. According to Vietnamese time zone, today is the 30th of Tết, i.e. the thirtieth day of the December, or the New Year's Eve. On this day, my family would make spring rolls as an offering to farewell the old year. Things like showering, nail cutting, house cleaning, motorbike washing must be completed on the same day. Sure, it is a busy day.
For me, being so faraway from home, the only thing that I can do is to gather with my Vietnamese friends to have a big meal celebrating the end of the old year.
***
Now, coming back to the reasons why ordinary photos can thrill the heart of the faraway:
This old lady brought home green bananas to decorate the Five-fruit offering which would be presented during the Lunar New Year. Every year, I would accompany my mom to the market, looking at her choosing the best looking fruit for the Five-fruit offering.
In focus is the electricity post that is so familiar and typical of the Old streets area in Hanoi.
But out of focus is something even more typical of my hometown, and specially of days before Tết. Crowd of people flood the streets. Every one was purchasing new clothes, decorations, sweets and food for the holiday. I was once, part of that flow of hurry to prepare for Tết.
 |
| https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1841835221480&set=a.1025319169089.3861.1708571393&type=1&theater |
Chợ Hoa ngày Tết
Flower fair,
sell mostly peach blossom, but sometimes small cactus, camellias, and daffodils.
There's also flower arrangement, and vases.
Crowded,
but if one doesn't visit it for once,
one wouldn't feel like New Year is coming.
 |
| https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1819359379598&set=a.1025319169089.3861.1708571393&type=1&theater |
Just a common corner of a street that I can find anywhere in Hanoi. But this lady who sells paper clothes hints that Tết is coming. During New Year offering, we presented our ancestry with money, gold and clothes made of paper and burnt at the end of the New Year holiday.
There are much more details of life, bits of soul, fragrance of heart that when I walked around, I never knew were embedded in the land where I live. As I become faraway from it, these pieces become golden and so valuable that it engulfs my body with warmth, just looking at the photo.
There would be many years more until that day when I step into the scene of these pictures again. And toward this, I am powerless. Apart from waiting, I have no way to sooth myself.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Nationality
Recently, I have been thinking what difference it would make if I were born here? (in the US)
I kept hitting these cultural obstacles that I would not have to if I grew up here.
I kept feeling the drifting away of my connection to my own country.
I kept thinking about the divided future picture.
Then, if I was born here
-having an American boyfriend wouldn't be such a disadvantageous thing anymore
-I would not mute myself when they talk about this show and that series that I don't know
-then where my family and my heart is would be where I can find the best job
Studying abroad has a much more severe effect than I could ever imagine.
I kept hitting these cultural obstacles that I would not have to if I grew up here.
I kept feeling the drifting away of my connection to my own country.
I kept thinking about the divided future picture.
Then, if I was born here
-having an American boyfriend wouldn't be such a disadvantageous thing anymore
-I would not mute myself when they talk about this show and that series that I don't know
-then where my family and my heart is would be where I can find the best job
Studying abroad has a much more severe effect than I could ever imagine.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Late night flyer
One backpack, one duffle bag. One, two.
As I pull along my duffle bag, my eyes stray on the surrounding. Stores closing, staffs cleaning. Everything is put to sleep. Late night passenger would soar their wings over the dreams.
Leaving has always been hard. Leaving at night seems even harder. As the matter of fact, light makes people cheerful, darkness doesn't. Airport scenes have been way too familiar a scene for me. I find this surprising. This me, who is passive and inactive, would be used to flying. That's new. This me, who used to get sick just being on a car, would take a 5 hours flight as relaxing. That's unexpected.
Noi Bai Airport, Hanoi. Narita Airport, Japan. Chicago Ohare Airport, Cleveland Airport, Seattle Tacoma Airport, USA. Incheon Airport, Korea. One, two, three, four, five, six. What a count.
I finally am going home. Yes, Wooster is a home for me now. For a flight, however long it is, as long as the destination is home, I would not waver. I did not feel bad about staying here anymore. As time passes, one would adapt, would connect and attach. I did not wish to go home anymore. But, going back, now, is still a warming feeling.
Packing,
unpacking,
fitting,
stretching,
carrying,
pushing,
farewell-ing
I really just want to stay in one place.
As I pull along my duffle bag, my eyes stray on the surrounding. Stores closing, staffs cleaning. Everything is put to sleep. Late night passenger would soar their wings over the dreams.
Leaving has always been hard. Leaving at night seems even harder. As the matter of fact, light makes people cheerful, darkness doesn't. Airport scenes have been way too familiar a scene for me. I find this surprising. This me, who is passive and inactive, would be used to flying. That's new. This me, who used to get sick just being on a car, would take a 5 hours flight as relaxing. That's unexpected.
Noi Bai Airport, Hanoi. Narita Airport, Japan. Chicago Ohare Airport, Cleveland Airport, Seattle Tacoma Airport, USA. Incheon Airport, Korea. One, two, three, four, five, six. What a count.
I finally am going home. Yes, Wooster is a home for me now. For a flight, however long it is, as long as the destination is home, I would not waver. I did not feel bad about staying here anymore. As time passes, one would adapt, would connect and attach. I did not wish to go home anymore. But, going back, now, is still a warming feeling.
Packing,
unpacking,
fitting,
stretching,
carrying,
pushing,
farewell-ing
I really just want to stay in one place.
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